Keeping Up W/Hal - May 13, 2015

I feel so sick today. I don’t wanna move. My stomach hurts so much, I’m so dizzy, and I just wanna cry. My throat hurts, and my tonsils are swollen. It’s getting worse. I don’t know if I threw up blood again, I hope not. But if I did I wouldn’t be surprised. Dealing with this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.. I think I seriously need some help but I’m too scared to do anything. I’m so scared, of everything. This thing is eating me alive. I’m in so much pain. I’ve never had an issue hiding it. I mean every once in a while I would let it show through, but now I’m having a really hard time hiding it. I’m having a really hard time dealing with this. Why do I have this? People say, “Just stop, Halle. Just stop doing it.” It’s not like that. I can’t just stop. When I eat I feel guilty and stupid. So I don’t eat, and if I do eat I throw it up. As much of it as I can. yesterday I sat in the bathroom for half an hour and threw up as much a possible. I was bawling, and coughing, and still in so much pain. I looked up an eroded oesophagus, and it’s pretty disgusting.. But I think it might be my issue, and if so I need to see a doctor or go to the hospital immediately. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to breathe. But it doesn’t matter. I guess this is what comes with having this. Everything is so confusing. & painful. Not to sound stupid, but all I do now-a-days is listen to Twenty One Pilots. & I don’t want to sound cliche, but they really do make everything better. Even if it’s for a split second. It’s almost like everything disappears and goes away. Their music is inspiring, and makes e feel like it’s okay. Like everything will get better soon. They’re my heros.. & they have really helped me get through this. That’s why I love them so much. Even though they weren’t physically there, and I’ve never met them in person, (Hopefully I will one day soon! It would be the greatest day of my life!) They’ve been there for me when no one else was. I wish I could thank them for all that they’ve done for me. & I wish that maybe, just maybe, this thing will go away. I know I won’t tell my parents, I don’t have enough courage. & I’m scared. I’m worried about what they’ll say, and how they’ll react. At least I have Rocco.. He truly does make everything better as well. I love him more than anything or anyone in this world.. I still feel like crap, I just want a break.. I need a break for once. I kind of feel a little bit better after writing though. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I’m just glad I can get my feelings out, even if it’s just on paper. :)