Keeping Up W/Hal - May 11, 2015

I feel really tired, and kind of sore. I don’t know whether to tell my parents or not.. I don’t want to but maybe it’s the right thing to do. This eating disorder is really starting to have an impact on my life. I’ve been really moody lately, I’m always tired, I’m usually dizzy, and my stomach is always killing me. I feel like something's gonna happen, something really bad. I don’t know. I’ve just had this feeling for the past few days that something bad is gonna happen. & I’m kinda scared. I’m scared of my eating disorder getting worse, to the point where I’ll end up sick, like really sick. I’m scared of losing the people I love, my family, my friends. Rocco. Rocco means the world to me, and he’s the only person I trust 100% besides Andrew, the only person I’ve ever been in love with, and hopefully the only person I will ever be in love with in my entire life. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He’s the only person, besides Andrew, who really listens and gets everything. He can make me laugh at any moment. I’m at my happiest when I’m with him. He’s my other half. If I lost him, I’d be losing half of myself. I never want to see a day without him. I love him. I really do. Anyways, I don’t know anymore. I’ve just been so stressed and I’m sick and tired of having this thing, this eating disorder. And no matter what I do, it’s always there. I can’t get rid of it no matter how hard I try.. I just wish it would go away. I’ve barely eaten these past few weeks, and everything I do eat I throw up. I don’t enjoy throwing up, but I feel like it’s something I have to do. I don’t understand, and I don’t get it. None of it makes sense to me. These past few weeks have just been really rough, it’s kind of getting worse.. I feel alone a lot of the time. I know I’m not alone, I have Rocco, and Andrew, and my family, and my friends. But, I kind of just want to talk to someone who understands what I’m going through. Who truly understands, and gets how I feel. I guess I’m just upset. & I’m just really tired of it all... It's starting to really hurt me emotionally. I’m just having a really hard time. But it doesn’t matter. Hopefully things will get better. If not, it’s okay. I’ll make it through it. I’ve made it this far. I’ve dealt with this eating disorder for months now. I’ll be alright, as long as it doesn’t get worse. & I have Rocco & Andrew by my side, so everything will be alright. :)