Keeping It locked away

I keep getting told by people that I need to grieve. Spend time with friends. When am I suppose to do that?

My mom was diagnosed, with an aggressive Brain cancer and Liver Cancer on May 15th. Four days later, my husband of 24 years died suddenly at home. My kids 19 and 16 found him when they got home from school and tried to revive him. My daughter doesn't want to be in our home, and my son doesn't want to leave his bedroom.

My mom had the tumor removed and hasn't recovered well and ended up with on going problem from surgery. She's in a short term rehabilitation home. Questioning why it's worth fighting when all roads lead to the same destination death.

Today while visiting my mom, the CNA didn't put her back brace on tight enough. Oh yeah, three weeks ago she fell in the middle of the night and cracked two vertebrae's. The sweet and kind lady that she is. Didn't want me to say anything because she didn't want to hurt anyone feelings.

I started spinning in a circle laughing because my emotions are locked so deep that if I cry I may never stop. Today as my son smiled at me because he was looking for his truck keys, as always. I felt content for a moment and realized that those moments are what is going to get me through........

Everyone grieves in their way and time and right now my tears are locked down tight.