Keeping Depression at Bay
This time of year has always, always, ALWAYS been hard. Some of it is seasonal depression and some of it is related to the stress and expectations of the holidays and some of it is my own weird garbage in my head.
When we decided to move, there was a lot of dread and anxiety beforehand, but after we started the actual process, I didn't really stop to think about the loss, just about what had to be done. Then, once we'd fully moved, I mostly just absorbed all the "new" and rejoiced in leaving a lot of ugly baggage behind.
We're almost halfway through our year long lease, so the bright shininess has tarnished a little and left room for rawer emotions and the process of grieving for all that we left behind.
Grief is a processes. I know this. I know this above all else in life, actually. I'm not good at loss and grieving, though God knows I've done enough of it. I'm not graceful. I stumble and bumble. I know there are stages in grief, and I know these stages are not really linear, which frustrates me. Yeah, I might move from one to the next, but that doesn't mean I won't revisit one or linger longer in one than another. This process is not clean or tidy or definitive in some ultimate healing experience.
Wounds may heal, but the big ones always leave scars and residual pain.
So... yeah. Denial and Isolation. That's typically "Stage 1" of grief, and that seems to have been where I was at for the last several months. Not precisely denial. Not really saying, "Oh, I haven't lost anything," or "this can't really be happening," but more, "I don't have time to deal with this." It's my own version of sticking my head in the sand. It's not that I don't think a loss has occurred, or that it isn't affecting me, it's more that I am holding it all at bay by being busy and occupying my mind elsewhere.
Stage 2? Yeah. Anger. I've spent a lot of the last few weeks really, really angry. I've been snippy and agitated, but I doubt my family has any clue just how much rage has built up. And the thing is? Where do I put it? I helped choose this path. Yet, I find myself fully and wholly blaming the OW. How absolutely ridiculous is THAT?
We moved away from our house because WE chose it. I could have fought hard to stay there. I could have defended my place in the community, my friends, my house... but I weighed my options and knew there were wounds that would never heal if I stayed in that toxic environment. My husband chose with me, but not exclusively. We made this choice together and unanimously. The OW didn't insist upon it nor was she consulted, and while I'm sure it made her life a helluva lot more tidy, she didn't get a say. We did. So why would I push this off on her?
We all know the answer to that. It's easier to blame someone or something abstract and unable to defend it/him/herself. It's easier than owning it ourselves, isn't it?
In the end, what I'm really grieving for is something I gave away, not something that was taken from me, and it's hard to be mad at myself when I know in my heart it was the right choice. That doesn't take away the hurt, or in this case, anger. Also, it's a lot easier to get stuck in "anger" than to move on to the next stage:
Depression.
Because... depression swallows me. Depression wraps it's cold embrace around me and suffocates me, drains me, leaves me with no will to fight. While anger flares up and then burns itself out, depression sneaks in quietly and slowly and lingers on and on until it's too late to realize it's killing you.
I am scared to be depressed about moving, but I know I will be and I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to come out the other side. It's the place I'm most likely to get "stuck" during this process.
I'm scared. And, and angry about being scared. And angry about having to be depressed. And angry about not being able to stop being depressed when I eventually get there.
And... angry that Huz said we would "talk about it" and I told him "yeah sure" because I knew we wouldn't - and of course we didn't. And angry that he really let me down for our anniversary and angry that he said we'd talk about THAT - and of course we didn't - and angry that I can't seem to dredge up enough anger to bring it to him and say, "Let's fix this. NOW. Not later. NOW."
Because I can already feel depression creeping in.
When we decided to move, there was a lot of dread and anxiety beforehand, but after we started the actual process, I didn't really stop to think about the loss, just about what had to be done. Then, once we'd fully moved, I mostly just absorbed all the "new" and rejoiced in leaving a lot of ugly baggage behind.
We're almost halfway through our year long lease, so the bright shininess has tarnished a little and left room for rawer emotions and the process of grieving for all that we left behind.
Grief is a processes. I know this. I know this above all else in life, actually. I'm not good at loss and grieving, though God knows I've done enough of it. I'm not graceful. I stumble and bumble. I know there are stages in grief, and I know these stages are not really linear, which frustrates me. Yeah, I might move from one to the next, but that doesn't mean I won't revisit one or linger longer in one than another. This process is not clean or tidy or definitive in some ultimate healing experience.
Wounds may heal, but the big ones always leave scars and residual pain.
So... yeah. Denial and Isolation. That's typically "Stage 1" of grief, and that seems to have been where I was at for the last several months. Not precisely denial. Not really saying, "Oh, I haven't lost anything," or "this can't really be happening," but more, "I don't have time to deal with this." It's my own version of sticking my head in the sand. It's not that I don't think a loss has occurred, or that it isn't affecting me, it's more that I am holding it all at bay by being busy and occupying my mind elsewhere.
Stage 2? Yeah. Anger. I've spent a lot of the last few weeks really, really angry. I've been snippy and agitated, but I doubt my family has any clue just how much rage has built up. And the thing is? Where do I put it? I helped choose this path. Yet, I find myself fully and wholly blaming the OW. How absolutely ridiculous is THAT?
We moved away from our house because WE chose it. I could have fought hard to stay there. I could have defended my place in the community, my friends, my house... but I weighed my options and knew there were wounds that would never heal if I stayed in that toxic environment. My husband chose with me, but not exclusively. We made this choice together and unanimously. The OW didn't insist upon it nor was she consulted, and while I'm sure it made her life a helluva lot more tidy, she didn't get a say. We did. So why would I push this off on her?
We all know the answer to that. It's easier to blame someone or something abstract and unable to defend it/him/herself. It's easier than owning it ourselves, isn't it?
In the end, what I'm really grieving for is something I gave away, not something that was taken from me, and it's hard to be mad at myself when I know in my heart it was the right choice. That doesn't take away the hurt, or in this case, anger. Also, it's a lot easier to get stuck in "anger" than to move on to the next stage:
Depression.
Because... depression swallows me. Depression wraps it's cold embrace around me and suffocates me, drains me, leaves me with no will to fight. While anger flares up and then burns itself out, depression sneaks in quietly and slowly and lingers on and on until it's too late to realize it's killing you.
I am scared to be depressed about moving, but I know I will be and I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to come out the other side. It's the place I'm most likely to get "stuck" during this process.
I'm scared. And, and angry about being scared. And angry about having to be depressed. And angry about not being able to stop being depressed when I eventually get there.
And... angry that Huz said we would "talk about it" and I told him "yeah sure" because I knew we wouldn't - and of course we didn't. And angry that he really let me down for our anniversary and angry that he said we'd talk about THAT - and of course we didn't - and angry that I can't seem to dredge up enough anger to bring it to him and say, "Let's fix this. NOW. Not later. NOW."
Because I can already feel depression creeping in.
Replies
It sounds like your in a tough spot right now. You have every right to feel this way. I guess it\'s just figuring out which thing to tackle first. I\'m guessing working through your mourning the losses of moving.
You got caught up in the positives of it and those still exist but yes there are losses. Do you worry that since you wanted this mainly because of the ow, that you don\'t earn the right to have negative feelings about it?
My H and I were famous for allowing one of us to win, or be the decision maker in a situation. Then when that decision had some negatives to it, the other got to say, \"well this is whAt you wanted, too bad and it\'s your fault\". (paraphrasing here).
Now we\'ve practiced to really discuss amd ,ale sure we both compromising and agreeing openly. This way when it\'s not quite what we hoped and expected we can say, \"we should have done it another way\" or \"we can fix this\"
This past summer while I was away with the kids for 5 days my H turned the yard upside down with grand plans of what \"he\" was going to do. That\'s when I said no no no that\'s the old us. The new us sits down and makes rational joint decisions and agrees before anything is done.
Just to build our deck was agonizing because we had to agree on everything. He wanted the composit and I preferred wood. But the composit was more important to him than the wood was to me so we went with composit. Every step of the design, from the shape and color to the placement of the stairs was joint decisions that we made sure we agreed on.
Now here we are in the winter realizing the composit was a costly investment and not all it was cracked up to be. But I can\'t make him feel bad because I agreed. He didn\'t twist my arm.
It sounds like your H was in agreement with the move and may be having his own sadness over it. Have you sat down with him and addressed your feelings? It may be a great time to open up to eachother. This conflicting sadness maybe twinge of regret could be holding both of you back. Each afraid to admit that there is some sadness and loss.
You know the old question \"how do you eat an elephant?\". The answer is \"one bite at a time\"
If you try to fix your depression, face your frustrations with hubby, face sadness about house all at once, you may not be able to fix any of it. So take that first bite. I think coming here and getting some grounding is a great start.
You have always been an inspiration with amazing insight. I don\'t like to see you in this funk.
Pink
xoxo thank you, Pink.
You\'re absolutely right on all counts. I hate having this sinking feeling. I am not my own best advocate when I get like this and I\'m not very good with letting my husband in when I get like this. It\'s almost as if I feel like everything with me has to be perfectly fine before I can even think about fixing anything bigger.
Read: if I\'m in a funk, the world and all it\'s problems have to sit on hold.
I gotta knock that off. And I\'ve got to start letting Huz back in.
Allora and Pink - You are two of my favorite people here on DS and I always find your posts insightful and meaningful. Hugging you both!
((Allora)) ((Pink))
Q.
Thanks quarzon. Luv you too.
(((quarzon))) right back atcha.
There was an episode of \"every body lives Raymond that comes to mind.
The wife is pmsing and ray doesn\'t know what to do. She asks \"have you ever thought of just giving me a hug?\" his response went something like this \"it\'s hard to hug a porcupine\".
So when we expect our husbands to swoop in to save the day for us, we need to see if we are being porcupines.