Keeping away from the clouds

Today, I woke up really late. It was a familiar pattern that I do not like. I would lie in bed waking up a few times but, just to say to myself "it's better here in dreamland, life is better here" so; I would dose back to sleep. My body and mind playing tug of war: One saying I needed to get up and the other beckons me to stay in the fairytale world of somber. In a nut shell, this is the first signs of depression. Not facing real life. Most of the time I am unable to do this kind of behavior because I have children to take care of and a business to run. The days my husband is off from work, I take advantage of feeding the depression. Sounds a bit weird, but time with him is heartbreaking and tugs at my soul.

I awaked and slowly went down to my studio and did the "normal" things I usually do in a day today. I checked my online shop for orders, checked my phone, read some tweets on twitter, scrolled and read emails, and then decided to write in my new journal here. I really really hope this helps more than it hurts me to write my feelings down. I hold things inward and I am out of my comfort zone.

I got an email from a very good friend early this morning. I am concerned. It was so short and I had to read into it. My mind and heart plays tricks on me a lot and I hope that everything is ok. I will be bothered by it until I contact them but, by then I will have forgotten or dismissed my concerns all together.

Worries, worries, worry. I face many and I know many face bigger ones than I do but, mine are my own and it seems to be a struggle for me to overcome them without help. See, I will never ask for help and so around and around we go with this little mind game I play with myself.

I am rambling on and being a bit vague on subjects...perhaps I'm afraid to write them down, perhaps I just am scared...Can I just go back to sleep now and be comforted by the dream state that sooths my emotional state....answer is NO