Keepin\' all my plates spinning...
Why don't they still balance the plates? When's the last time you saw a good old fashioned PLATE SPINNER on tv? They used to spin the hell outta plates, back in the '60's and '70's, running back and forth all over the stage, keeping those plates going, every once in a while, CRASH! Oh well, one down, gotta keep the other ones going, spin spin spin.... those were the days... sigh... I shouldn't do this, but I'm gonna count all the plates I have spinning: 1. Sobriety2. Crushing bulimia3. Launching Daughter #1 into the world, letting go4. Preparing Daughter #2 for launch5. Daughter #3's health issues6. Rebuilding my marriage7. Finding a job or PURPOSE in my life8. Dog, cats, horses, frogs, tadpoles, specifically, what if the frogs eat their own babies? 9. My mother10. Building and maintaining friendships, my life OUTSIDE of my children's lives. Ten lousy plates?! REALLY? It feels like more... To be fair though, some of those plates are ENORMOUS and unweildy. And the silly sticks I have to balance them on are awfully scrawny and wobbly and... brittle?I do so love a good plate-balancing metaphor...I worked yesterday, 3rd grade. (I'm a sub) Not a great day, but not completely awful either. I agreed to go in for 1/2 day Thursday, which I hate to do, it's not worth it to even get dressed for 1/2 day pay, and plus, I might then miss a call for a full day at the other school district... But, I'm trying to be accommodating, so they'll call me to work more... Grrrr.... The bright side is, I'll be in for the Librarian, which is fun, read a few stories, and help kids pick out books. I want to be a librarian!Oldest daughter has been coming around somewhat. She's showering more often. She's still not eating well, but she seems to want me to cook for her (she's a vegetarian). She won't say so, but she eats when I cook special stuff for her. I think she just wants to know I still care. Honestly, sometimes it's hard to still care. I hate to say that, but she's been so friggin' MONSTROUS to me and to the rest of the fam. I've been saying to my husband, I just want her to GO. G.O. Sigh. Not good. But improving. For now. Until she bottoms out again. How's THAT for enthusiasm? Meh... I should be embracing the improvements, right? But she back-slides so much, I'm just so sick of tip-toeing around her and her moods. I'm sick of catering to her, literally catering. I'm sick of her heavy sighs and her slamming around and her frustrated GRUNTS and her silences and her eye-rolling and her BLACK HOLE OF SPACE MOOD-SUCKING VORTEX. I just want her to go. It's so terrible around here, just go. There's been progress though. She got a job, she starts tomorrow. I can't see her working at Penney's, it's just so mainstream and consumerist... But, let's be positive... She's also sorta been TALKING to me again. It's like, I'm not even INVISIBLE! One day, you're invisible, the next day, they can see you! A miracle!!! I've made some progress with Daughter2. (These labels stink. I'll call them by ages instead, 20girl, 17girl, 14girl, and 10boy) So I've made some progress with 17girl. We went to the psychologist, who then called the school to request that 17girl be allowed to drop the classes that were giving her fits. So her course-load has been lightened considerably. She's still bitching about the practicum, but I'm hoping, hoping, hoping she'll stick it out... Pray.... and breathe.... Sobriety... that plate's spinning just fine. Except I have truly substituted sugar for the alcohol. I'm completely sugar-driven now. The more I try to quit, the more I cram down my face. Bulimia.. . That's the hardest, I think. I'm okay when I'm at the library, I get so involved in the internet, or writing, or reading, just carried away, and I forget to eat, even. But at home, when things are frustrating, like the messed-up laptop, or when the kids are fussing with each other, or my husband's standing over me and the dog is at his side begging and jumping up and licking his hand and he doesn't correct the dog, he just stands over me like a stupid TREE TRUNK and the dog is wagging that tale and stinking DOG-AIR is wafting over me as the tale thumps thumps thumps against my leg and doghair flies through the air and the stink... WHY CAN'T HE CORRECT THE DOG!!!!! We have a lovely lovely dog, but he has bad OBNOXIOUS habits,. Apparently I'm the only one who cares.... Grrrr... Well, anyways, that's when I head for the fig-newtons... Sugar is the worst. Caffeine... I quit the coffee, which is something, because I was probably drinking more than a pot a day. I read that alcoholics in recovery can pound up to 35 cups a day. Me, I was closer to 12. Also, they load it up with sugar. I was using stevia and Frenchvanilla creamer. I miss the French vanilla creamer. Now I'm drinking Sleepytime, with stevia. I can't drink it without sweetener, it's like drinking, BLECH, hot, mint-infused water. Or rather, it is IN FACT, drinking hot, mint-infused water.
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