Katy Spade

God Bless you and your family - your daughter. I thought about you a lot yesterday. I'm sorry you felt like you had to take your life.

I was robbed at gun point the other day. I was astonished how calm I was with a gun barrow sticking in my face. I thought I was okay about the incident. I'm not so sure.

An hour later I made a comment: I kind of wish I was shot dead than all this would be over. I said it and forgot it. About a month ago I made a noose out of my jump-rope and hung it around my boxing bag stand. I believe I was stressing over some people I thought did not like me and were talking about me. A strong panic wave came over me. I left the noose there for about two weeks. I kept thinking "it's possible." I thought of Robin Williams. 

Now I'm thinking of you Kate. I was sexually molested at 6 years old by two uncle's every night for a entire school year. My father was high on heroin and when I was 5 he gave me a beating that left to permanent scars around my right eye. To escape from him, I ran away from him and into a door. I fell into a coma for 10 days. At the age of 3 I was diagnosed with Hersh Spronze Disease. I spent a lot of time in the hospital up until the third grade. There were tubes, jells, mercury, and fingers but up my rectum - no fun at all.

I grew up in fear all my life. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I'm learning to manage my life. 

I have mental disease on my maternal family side. My favorite aunt was diagnosed with bipolar at 17. She has been on lithium for decades. I've heard strange/odd stories about other realities that gets you wondering.

I guess Katy I wondering what was the tipping point for you. I read that your brother and BGF/business partner, you were open about your depression/fears/demons. They did not see your suicide coming. You left your 13 years old daughter. Was it the desperation from your husband/friend/partner?

My religious beliefs makes me believe suicide is a sin. I have been told recently that only God knows of the pain your are going through. I am lightening up on that belief. But I believe it's that belief that keeps me here, fighting for my happiness.

Just like what I read about you Katy, that you told people that you would never kill yourself like other celebrities. I say it too. That's why I'm concerned. I think it's a very dark place to be in before you commit suicide. I think I felt it once. I stood on a bridge in 2009. I felt soo sad and lonely/desperate. Someone spiritual put their hand on my shoulder and told me to go home and go to bed. The next day I called family and suicide hot-line.

I don't think so much of killing myself, as much as I just wish I had never existed.

I know that's my mind speaking and not my heart. 

Kate I don't know much about you. I don't know about bags. I've heard off your name before. You look like a lovely, pretty lady in the pictures I see. I try to keep a smile o n my face at all times because that what people, friends, and family make me feel like that's how I should always be. It seems like to me no one wants to hear my story or worries.

Kate, I love you and hope you have found peace.