K, that hurt a bit, but I'm moving on!
The family is getting the estate stuff together for my grandmother, and asked if I had any photos to give my uncle as he's putting together a memory cd of all the photos they could find of her with the family. Didn't think that would be painful, but OMG....
Going through photos meant going through my life. The one with my X. Memories of raising our son, memories of adventures we did when the X became disabled, memories of wonderful vacations together....
But I'm REALLY moving on! Instead of thinking about the illusions I held regarding our marriage, I thought about those photos, looked at them from a different perspective.... like how I was basically the only one raising our son as he'd say he "couldn't" be much of a parent - MAN, I was so stressed then... like how I was the only one who truly enjoyed the adventures... and was he drunk when he drove us to Mesa, AZ, when we visited my grandparents? (It was a 19 hour trip - he had to have been drinking at some point during it or he would have had more seizures)...
Yeah, I know this sounds bitter, but I'm really not bitter. It's more like just seeing facts, acknowledging there were just as many good times as there were bad. Someone asked recently "what would you say to your 16 year old self" and I realized I'd say nothing. Because each of those memories made up who I am, how strong I am, and opened the door to my moving forward now. And I like it.
So, on the lines of moving forward... my aunts have sent me the things I gave my grandmother for Christmas over the years. One item was a table quilt I made for her... I remember it taking months to put all the little pieces together to form gorgeous chocolate stars on a white background (see photos). I hung it in my bedroom where I'd see it as soon as I'd walk through the door....and every time I look at it, I think WOW, I made that! And that's how I'm looking at my life now... seeing the good side of the things I've accomplished through the years... and again, I think WOW, I made that!
Going through photos meant going through my life. The one with my X. Memories of raising our son, memories of adventures we did when the X became disabled, memories of wonderful vacations together....
But I'm REALLY moving on! Instead of thinking about the illusions I held regarding our marriage, I thought about those photos, looked at them from a different perspective.... like how I was basically the only one raising our son as he'd say he "couldn't" be much of a parent - MAN, I was so stressed then... like how I was the only one who truly enjoyed the adventures... and was he drunk when he drove us to Mesa, AZ, when we visited my grandparents? (It was a 19 hour trip - he had to have been drinking at some point during it or he would have had more seizures)...
Yeah, I know this sounds bitter, but I'm really not bitter. It's more like just seeing facts, acknowledging there were just as many good times as there were bad. Someone asked recently "what would you say to your 16 year old self" and I realized I'd say nothing. Because each of those memories made up who I am, how strong I am, and opened the door to my moving forward now. And I like it.
So, on the lines of moving forward... my aunts have sent me the things I gave my grandmother for Christmas over the years. One item was a table quilt I made for her... I remember it taking months to put all the little pieces together to form gorgeous chocolate stars on a white background (see photos). I hung it in my bedroom where I'd see it as soon as I'd walk through the door....and every time I look at it, I think WOW, I made that! And that's how I'm looking at my life now... seeing the good side of the things I've accomplished through the years... and again, I think WOW, I made that!
Replies
You can go about this in one of two ways. You can look at the pictures and be poor me or you can do it the way you are now. Looking at those pictures to see how far you\'ve come.
By looking back over your marriage you can see the good times too. I think that is the right way for you. You are one to look at your options and make decisions and I think those decisions are and will be good for you.
Each of those memories are now a part of you and who you have become. I was able to do that too. I can get past the hurt and keep my daughter\'s wedding picture of the four of us on the table in the living room. I still have some items on the mantel that the ex gave me. Not because he gave them to me but because I like them for what they are.
Your marriage did make you who you are today. You are much stronger and wiser for having gone through all of this. I\'m in awe of your ability to quilt. I\'ve done a few things from a kit and it\'s not easy. It must be wonderful to wake in the morning and see that quilt you gave to your grandmother. I\'m sure it has a lot of memories attached to it. I hope you keep that \"wow I\'m doing this\" as you move to a new life.
I totally agree with trisha9054! WOW!!! You are so good at dealing with things in the right manner. Someday I hope to look back on my life with the X and see all the good things and the things that made me better and who I am. But right now all I see are the bad things that I have endured or things that I have done that do not seem so positive any more. I also do not yet see that I am in the place I want to be, rather I feel like a feather blowing in the wind, from here to there for no apparent reason. But I will eventually(hopefully sooner rather than later!)see things closer to the way you are able to look at your life. Thanks for so many good views!! (((Hugs)))
Wow that quilt is amazing and inspiring! Thanks for posting the photos since the words in the journal entry do not do it justice. Wow.
I know what you mean about those vacations. I should have just been alone with the boys anyhow... I remember going to Savannah and asking my husband to go to the lobby and ask on a restaurant recommendation. I stayed in the hotel room working hard to get everything unpacked and ready. He came back clearly buzzed off of 2 martinis and NO Recommendation. In fact, he never even asked. One of many of my disappointing travel memories... I completely get where you are with those solo Mom memories.
I\'m glad you can see it clearly and are not pining away for something that never existed!