Just me

Well here I am again Sitting here trying to get myself together. I want to cry so badly but I am tired of crying. I don't think I can cry anymore. This time of year never fails. i feel awful and defeaded. I wish I had someone to talk to that could understand what I am going through. I try not to think about being alone for the holidays but its something in my that just feels so down. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I didn't miss them so much. My kids are starting to ask more questions about my mom and I just want to cry. I wish I had her here to learn from, to listen to, to cry on, to fuss with, to go see, to share birthdays with, to share my children moments, to get advice, just everything. I just feel a flow of emotions and I want to cry. I want to be held. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. I want to be held real tight and just cry. I don't have anyone to hold me, to be there for me, to comfort me. I'm all on my own and I've been on my own since 17. Why hasn't it gotten better for me not to feel this way? Its's been years...is something wrong with me? It just hurts and I wish the pain would go away.