just writing
Wednesday March 2
It's been a while since I have written. I have been hurting emotionally really bad. sometimes I just feel like quitting because the pain inside me hurts so bad but I know that is not the answer. How I long for a hug. My family hates me. I am working on separating from them. They have abused me all my life. No more. I can't stand them. Once I get a job, Daddy can't control me with his Debit Card anymore and my damn step-mom. My siblings I have always felt like and outsider looking in on this damn family. My mom I can't even have an relationship anymore because she has slight dementia. I feel so lost and lonely, alone. The true people that really care are a couple friends but two therapist who have gotten me through. They have been awesome. One who I have seen for over 8 years and have dealt with Satanic Cult Abuse and the other one deals with all the rest of my issues. They work well with me..I know they won't be in my life forever but I don't want to think about that right now...It's scared for me to think about that one day. I have a lot to do to get to that point but I am a work in progress. Sometimes I think I will be dead before that happens. I just want the pain inside. I am desperately lonely. I cry every night...panicked, scared, nightmares, reliving every flashback and body memory....sometimes an alter comes out and I get scared.
It's been a while since I have written. I have been hurting emotionally really bad. sometimes I just feel like quitting because the pain inside me hurts so bad but I know that is not the answer. How I long for a hug. My family hates me. I am working on separating from them. They have abused me all my life. No more. I can't stand them. Once I get a job, Daddy can't control me with his Debit Card anymore and my damn step-mom. My siblings I have always felt like and outsider looking in on this damn family. My mom I can't even have an relationship anymore because she has slight dementia. I feel so lost and lonely, alone. The true people that really care are a couple friends but two therapist who have gotten me through. They have been awesome. One who I have seen for over 8 years and have dealt with Satanic Cult Abuse and the other one deals with all the rest of my issues. They work well with me..I know they won't be in my life forever but I don't want to think about that right now...It's scared for me to think about that one day. I have a lot to do to get to that point but I am a work in progress. Sometimes I think I will be dead before that happens. I just want the pain inside. I am desperately lonely. I cry every night...panicked, scared, nightmares, reliving every flashback and body memory....sometimes an alter comes out and I get scared.
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