Just wondering
Just wondering if anyone goes through bouts of sadness, depression in and out throughout the day, it's like waking up feeling like oh no having to get up and turn your life over to God and get up and try to stay positive. As the day goes on I start feeling good then boom, a flutter of a sadness, depression feelings in my soul. I get So sick and tired of it and still feel like wow how am I going to keep going on like this, its tiring..FOCUS has been the key word for me lately. As long as I can stay FOCUSED on my daily prayers and stay on a healthy path of eating right, exercise, be with people who are positive, thinking positive, I am fine.. Then out of no where I'm out of FOCUS AGAIN... Then the cycle starts over again.... I may sound crazy after 7 years missing my son, I still am having problems like this!! Do I make any sense, SIGH!!! It seems to happen after and event, or holiday, etc. It's like if I get happy and excited it follows with a down...Up and Down Up and Down. Always searching for happiness.. Even when Ryan was alive but now its like I feel happy to a point and it hits me like a brick wall when I think of Ryan again, never seeing him again..I see all my family members with all their children all grown up starting their familys, and Me I'm all by myself without that excitement..I'm venting,JUST SAYING! SIGH! XO Kelly
Replies
Kelly I am only 2 yrs. Many valleys, deep dark ones. Hate it. Then up on a hill but always faltering on the edge wondering when I am going to fall off.
I agree hate living like this.
But we know our boys want us to be ok, they love us so much.
Love
Laura
Oh Kelly of course it is going to happen especially during the important dates no matter how long our children are gone...It is an lifelong journey until we meet with our children again...Love, Connie
Here for you, dear Kelly. I think until we are reunited with our sons that there will always be ups and downs. I know there are more ups this year than last, for me anyway, and maybe even more next year, but there will ALWAYS be downs. I\'ve accepted this. Just wish I knew when/what \"the trigger\" will come/will be. Make sense? XOXO Sharon
You know it Kelly, I could have written this journal myself. Yesterday morning I had a bout of tears and yearning, for me it\'s the yearning of what could have been, and the fear that something could happen to my other son or one of my grandchildren. I pray to be the next to go in the family, I don\'t want to face another loss. The temporariness of life on Earth makes it so very hard to be truly happy, between the missing and the worrying. But I do have a strong faith that this is not all there is. I do believe we are here for a learning experience. I\'m just ready for that recess bell to ring already.
Love you Kelly,
Terry
You are describing me Kelly! I suspect I will be feeling the same 10 years from now. I do something and momentarily think that I need to phone Lisa to tell her. I write her letters but it just is not helping with the feelings of sadness and loss (it\'s deeper than that but can\'t find words). I think that is why I am always looking for things to do and travel (okay we traveled before but we do more now).
I don\'t think I will ever be truly happy. I have joyful times but they are so temporary. I used to tell everyone that I was the luckiest person in the world - a loving husband and family, great jobs that I loved, and the ability to see the world. Well now, my loving family is incomplete - we are grieving. I have pretty much given up work. I travel but it is not as exciting as when I could discuss it with Lisa, or have her with us on some of our adventures.
This is my new normal.
I just read what I wrote. I don\'t think I am helping you much! But just know we are all in this together. I am so thankful for my SOTH.
Luv u Kelly.
Hugs, Marlene
You are describing me also to a tea. Be gentle on yourself darling. This sad journey is a \'forever\' journey, mixed with great days, laughing till we ache, sharing stories and crying together. I hope you didn\'t mind me jumping in as your post is open. Hugs and thinking of you. X Mags.
My sweet friend, wishing I could squeeze you. I miss you and I know how you feel. Horrible roller coaster pisses me off at times too. Take a deep breath, wipe those tears and put one foot in front of the other. I love you, call me soon!
Oh, sweet Kelly... I so understand what you are describing and that is why I often look at this as the hardest work of our lifetimes! It is path we never chose, yet we are on it and it takes SO much energy.
You have such a loving and compassionate heart and it is the \"risk\" we all wage for loving yet we\'d never have it any other way, would we?
Just enter into those feelings as you are, acknowledge them and then send them on their way when you are ready to.
What are you immersing yourself in are such healthy practices so way to go! Sometimes even with all of these great things in place a sad day, a moment, a memory... they come. I understand, truly I do.
Please take the most gentle care of that beautiful heart of yours that you can and I\'m so glad that you journaled. It takes courage to do so and what you say always makes sense to me. Heart language is a universal one my friend.
Love you and that handsome Ryan.
XO Joanie
I can relate, you think you are doing well and then BOOM, stab in the heart! No matter how happy I may feel, there is always a BUT. Something is always missing. I agree, make healthy choices is tiring, this journey is tiring and some days I just don\'t feel up to doing it anymore. But somehow we trudge on. Sending love your way. Sue xo
I think I have always had a seasonal problem most of my life when summer ends and 13 yrs. ago when I lost my first son Jesse it got worse. Tow years ago I lost my youngest Justin and now I seem to feel depressed sooner then when the summer ends. I dont know how or what will ever help me. I doubt I will ever be happy again and there is no way to have what I lost, just a memory of a mothers love and bond with my 2 son\'s.I have to learn to live without them and it is not easy. I dont have alot of family around me accept my husband who helped raise my 2 boys. I just dont think any thing really works for me, but I still try, I still look for answers, I wake up every day never to be the same. Hope you know what your feeling is normal and that you have many better days ahead. xox Debbie
I do SO get what you are saying. I too can go along and all is fine, but then get hit with the proverbial two by four and I am back into sadness and heartache. It is hard to see other families with kids the same age as ours would be now and not mourn the fact that our kids will never get the opportunity to grow and become even more remarkable. It happens to me EVERY time I see my niece.
I can only take solace in the fact that I had my daughter for 22 years and they were amazing years for me! Without that, I would not be who I am today and would not have been the mother that I was to her. I am thankful for that as it would have been an even bigger loss to have never known her at all! I imagine it is the same for you when you think about how Ryan shaped who you are now. It is hard to know our true purpose in life, but I believe our children must have met theirs or they would not have been taken from us so early in life. Gentle hugs and caring love for you, Amber
Hi Kelly, I am that same way - even at 4 years into this horrific journey. The best I usually feel is ok. Then a bit more encouraged at times but generally just ok & then sad...very sad. I do have gratitude for what I have and for having Ed all the years I had him. I think whatever we feel is ok and very normal for moms whose child has passed. Sending love and wishing you peace, Linda