jUST WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT....
Perhaps I took too much pride in everyone telling how great I was doing. How strong I have been and how if you didn't actually know what I am going through no one would ever know. I thought to myself GREAT I'M DOING AWESOME HOW GREAT AM I!!!! In doing that I think I didn't allow myself to really feel the LOSS and Pain of what was happening. It's only been almost 5 months now since he left and for some reason I think i'm starting to feel emotions that I thought were all but gone. Just SADNESS MIXED WITH REGRET AND A DASH OF PAIN. I WAS TELLING MY FAIRY GODMOTHER TODAY THAT I can no longer say " I wonder what my husband would like for dinner"? or " My husband and I are going to the movies this weekend" When I hear all my co-workers talk about their week end plans with their spouses I literally walk out of the room. I want to say my husband and I are........ I want to say on monday " Guess what my husband did for me this weekend?" Everything I do now I do ALONE!!!!! and I HATE IT!! Dinner for one, movie for one, going to blockbuster ALONE, picking up the PIZZA ALONE, just taking a walk to STARBUCKS ALONE!!!!!!! I really really hate it. I'm doing what everyone expects of me being strong and carrying on but I just want to scream sometimes and say "I don't want my marriage to be over. I'm scared I will spend the rest of my life ALL ALONE.
What I have learned though is that everything that has happened over the past few months was not of MY DOING. I did not make the choice to leave and I have no CONTROL over his choices. I don't want my marriage to be over but HE DOES, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE BUT HE LEFT. SO EVEN THOUGHT NONE OF THIS IS OF MY DOING I FEEL LIKE WHY AM I SUFFERING BECAUSE OF HIS CHOICES??????????
So while I have been so involved and concentrating on retaining an Attorney and getting him to court to start my child and spousal support, staying strong and taking steps forward, wanting him to have to pay pay pay for what he has done to my family I forget to allow myself to feel all the pain and sadness. Now that all the Legal stuff is almost all done and my Therapist wants me to go from once a week to once a month and school is almost out for the summer I find myself right back where I was the day he walked out so now what????????????????????????
What I have learned though is that everything that has happened over the past few months was not of MY DOING. I did not make the choice to leave and I have no CONTROL over his choices. I don't want my marriage to be over but HE DOES, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE BUT HE LEFT. SO EVEN THOUGHT NONE OF THIS IS OF MY DOING I FEEL LIKE WHY AM I SUFFERING BECAUSE OF HIS CHOICES??????????
So while I have been so involved and concentrating on retaining an Attorney and getting him to court to start my child and spousal support, staying strong and taking steps forward, wanting him to have to pay pay pay for what he has done to my family I forget to allow myself to feel all the pain and sadness. Now that all the Legal stuff is almost all done and my Therapist wants me to go from once a week to once a month and school is almost out for the summer I find myself right back where I was the day he walked out so now what????????????????????????
Replies
If you think you need to continue seeing your therapist once a week, then you need to tell him/her that! I think you are going to need to stay in therapy at least that often for the next little while. I saw mine sometimes twice a week in the thick of it and I still go for occasional tune ups. Have one scheduled for Thursday evening, as a matter of fact.
You\'re going to be fine -- it\'s just going to take awhile.
When you set your emotions aside and treat your divorce like a business deal those emotions will hit you later. Perhaps that is what you are feeling now. All those questions, and hurts you couldn\'t work thru because you had so much to do to get the assets you would need.
I know mine still jump out at me; not as much as they used too. My divorce started way back in 2004 when the ex went back overseas. The thought of divorce was there. Then I filed in 2006 and for 19 months I had to ignore my emotions to get the assets I was entitled to.For over a year after the divorce I did most of my farm work with tears rolling down my face. The ex has still caused me problems.
This may be the time when you really need to see your therapist. Your emotions have caught up with you and you will need help to work thru the questions and hurt that you had to put off while you were taking care of the business part of your divorce. You will be fine in time.
I think you should continue seeing your thearpist as well. Try getting involved in support groups with women going through what we are. it is amazing how much better you feel when you hear others stories. also, give yourself time to grieve what you lost. It is a crazy rollercoaster time! Hugs to you.:) Maggie