jUST WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT....
Perhaps I took too much pride in everyone telling how great I was doing. How strong I have been and how if you didn't actually know what I am going through no one would ever know. I thought to myself GREAT I'M DOING AWESOME HOW GREAT AM I!!!! In doing that I think I didn't allow myself to really feel the LOSS and Pain of what was happening. It's only been almost 5 months now since he left and for some reason I think i'm starting to feel emotions that I thought were all but gone. Just SADNESS MIXED WITH REGRET AND A DASH OF PAIN. I WAS TELLING MY FAIRY GODMOTHER TODAY THAT I can no longer say " I wonder what my husband would like for dinner"? or " My husband and I are going to the movies this weekend" When I hear all my co-workers talk about their week end plans with their spouses I literally walk out of the room. I want to say my husband and I are........ I want to say on monday " Guess what my husband did for me this weekend?" Everything I do now I do ALONE!!!!! and I HATE IT!! Dinner for one, movie for one, going to blockbuster ALONE, picking up the PIZZA ALONE, just taking a walk to STARBUCKS ALONE!!!!!!! I really really hate it. I'm doing what everyone expects of me being strong and carrying on but I just want to scream sometimes and say "I don't want my marriage to be over. I'm scared I will spend the rest of my life ALL ALONE.
What I have learned though is that everything that has happened over the past few months was not of MY DOING. I did not make the choice to leave and I have no CONTROL over his choices. I don't want my marriage to be over but HE DOES, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE BUT HE LEFT. SO EVEN THOUGHT NONE OF THIS IS OF MY DOING I FEEL LIKE WHY AM I SUFFERING BECAUSE OF HIS CHOICES??????????
So while I have been so involved and concentrating on retaining an Attorney and getting him to court to start my child and spousal support, staying strong and taking steps forward, wanting him to have to pay pay pay for what he has done to my family I forget to allow myself to feel all the pain and sadness. Now that all the Legal stuff is almost all done and my Therapist wants me to go from once a week to once a month and school is almost out for the summer I find myself right back where I was the day he walked out so now what????????????????????????
What I have learned though is that everything that has happened over the past few months was not of MY DOING. I did not make the choice to leave and I have no CONTROL over his choices. I don't want my marriage to be over but HE DOES, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE BUT HE LEFT. SO EVEN THOUGHT NONE OF THIS IS OF MY DOING I FEEL LIKE WHY AM I SUFFERING BECAUSE OF HIS CHOICES??????????
So while I have been so involved and concentrating on retaining an Attorney and getting him to court to start my child and spousal support, staying strong and taking steps forward, wanting him to have to pay pay pay for what he has done to my family I forget to allow myself to feel all the pain and sadness. Now that all the Legal stuff is almost all done and my Therapist wants me to go from once a week to once a month and school is almost out for the summer I find myself right back where I was the day he walked out so now what????????????????????????
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