just wanted to share....................................

 Some of you may or may not know this about me...but i was with somebody for over 11yrs. when we met i was 19 and he was 30 at our job. i was a much different person back then. our relationship was difficult for awhile...it was all me. he helped me see my ways and he helped me become the person i am today. i grew up, my values changed, i made better decisions/judgments, etc. he encouraged me to go back to school and to become a teacher. i did so much better than i could ever imagine in school. i have a BA in psychology and was a part of a few honor societies and i graduated Magna Cum Laude. I then went straight to Fordham for my masters of which i completed early childhood special education in 1 yr....all the while working full-time with special needs children. i busted my ass big time. however during this time, his heavy social drinking turned into alcoholism and i watched him slowly kill himself. i watched him have seizures and withdrawels, etc. i stood by him while he was hospitalized for almost a month due to severe medical issues because of his alcoholism. it was the yr of my 30th birthday and i was depressed about everything. i questioned everything and i didnt what i was going to do. over the next several months we hardly saw each other and he did his best to avoid me on the phone. it was so difficult. i loved him so. i saw him last briefly on the 4th of july..i remember it clearly. he was such a differnt man. he was broken and just not himself. his drinking robbed the life from him. at the end of july i made a decision. i told him that i love him but things have to change. he needs to quit drinking and get help or i will no longer be there to watch him slowly kill himself. i gave him a week to decide. i told him then, we can go out to dinner and that he could stay the weekend to reconnect. he agreed. come friday, he told me that he couldnt. i was so devastated and hurt. AND mad. i got off the phone so upset. i tried to call him that night...because thats me. i loved him and i really didnt want things to end. he had the phone off the hook. i called the next morning and i got his mom on the phone who told me that she would have to call me back. after 2 hrs, i thought she forgot. when i called back, a man answered the phone (it was his brother, ) he passed the phone to his mom. she found him on the floor of their kitchen. he had died. apparently he was trying to quit cold turkey for me, his body couldnt handle it and he had a stroke. he was only 42. needless to say i was devastated. so many things in my head...guilt, anger, disbelief etc. i can go on about my feelings about this...but it does need to be said. ultimately, he is still in my heart and he will always be so.anyway,  michaels mom finally sent me some pics of him from about a yr before we met, one of him kissing a dolphin from when we went to fla to swim with the dolphins back in 2000 or 2001. the last pic was of him from about 3 months before he died. looking at it, he looked so old. the alcoholism aged him ten yrs. i opened them yesterday at work for i didnt want to open them in front of trey. when i looked at them i just started to cry and i called my mom. i just needed to talk to my mommy. i told trey about them yesterday and how i want them scanned into the computer. i know this bothers him, but i really hope he will be understanding. once they are scanned, i might post them so, the last few days have been emotional for me. so many memories flashed back. to see his smile again was just brought back so much.and unfortunately.....on sunday my mom maybe coming in. my cousin has been battling cancer on and off for the last few yrs. as of recent, it has spread from his liver to his spine and lymph nodes. he's from long island but has been getting his treatments in nyc. at the beginning of this week he was admitted to nyu. we are not sure exactly how bad he is doing...but i am sure not too well. once the cancer spreads to the lymph nodes, thats pretty much it and its just a matter of time. adam and i were much closer when we were kids...but we have seen each other only here and there over the yrs. he is only 38...so it is really sad.sigh...and then there is home, which for now thankfully, hasnt been to badly as of late.