Just want to stuff these feelings!!!!
Right now I just want to stuff all of this anger, rage and hatred toward my dad with as much food as I can get my hands on. But when do that it puts the blame on me rather than putting it where it belongs. I just hate that man so much and can't wait for this birthday dinner to be done and over with on Saturday night. Even though it doens't look like I am going to his birthday dinner, I am still very stressed out about it. He will wonder why I am not there and will be feeling all kinds of nasty things toward me. And I hate to let Tom and Josh go without me being there for them but right now I cant' even be there for myself. I can't breathe when I am anxious like this. And I can't think. And really don't know what to do with all of these feelings that come up when I dont' stuff it all down with food. And by the way, I don't care what people think about my dad and all the stuff he buys for us and pays for---he hates me and he always has. No one can try to tell me otherwise.
Replies
If you have a picture of him can you tape it to a pillow and then let him have it with a baseball bat. or throw darts at it. or burn the blessed picture.
Do not feel guilty for one moment, that man stole your childhood you do not owe him your presence on his birthday. You do not owe him anything. He should be on his knees begging your forgiveness if justice were served. Plan your Saturday get a good walk in so you are reasonably tired on the night and will not lay awake too long mulling things over. Make time to do something really nice for yourself. Buy some lovely bubble bath and luxuriate with the radio on your favourite channel. prepare you favourite foods (not too much)
and come on line for support, I will be here I\'ll set my alarm. Throw it back to him where it belongs.
OK heidi, breath my love, be still, you have a genuine reason to feel these emotions. They will pass, your dad still seems to have a lot of control over your thoughts, can you hand it over? you may need to do it many times but for your sake it\'s worth a try.
Remember we can\'t do the thinking for other people, what your dad will think or say isn\'t your problem. and the same goes for other people, let everyone else think what they want, as with many abusers they have 2 sides, you know both sides and the pain it has caused you, you have no need to justify yourself to anyone. I am here if you need me, i can\'t say i know how you feel or what you\'ve been through but i do care for you and want you to be free of this pain. much love xx