Just want to remember
So last night I called him and asked for him to bring home hamburger buns for his burgers (the kids and I were fine eating them on bread, but I knew he wouldn't be.) He asks me why he has to pick them up "are you out of money already?" I tell him yes and that I don't really want to go back out either. Now for the past year he has been consistently harping on me that it is my own fault I am always broke; if I need money for something I only need to tell him (because I guess he thinks the bills pay themselves and the groceries are suddenly free). However, every single damn time I ask him to get something it becomes at least an hour (usually a couple days) of me being lectured on how irresponsible I am and how he's sick of carrying me and paying for my mistakes.
Anyway, he brought home the buns when he got here (at 10:42 PM!!!!!) and expected to eat his burgers, which I like an idiot did fix. This morning he was gone when I got up and had left no money. So...I had to call him to ask if I could come up to his shop (which is going to waste what little bit of gas I have since it is a good 30 minutes from here) to get some money for the store. He asks me how much I need and I tell him that we are out of pretty much everything, from trash bags to oil; I estimate it is going to be AT least $100, probably more. He starts yelling that he doesn't understand what the hell I do with all my money--the same argument. I found myself starting to justify by telling him I paid my cell phone bill and the kids' cell phone bills; bought the stuff for Alyssa' birthday, paid the rent, the electric, and bought groceries that lasted from the 2nd when I got paid which was about $300 with all the other stuff included, and I have had to put gas in my car and on and on. Then I realized he doesn't really want to know what I've done with my money. His having to take some responsibility for the household is cutting into his "play money". Because he only paid half the rent on the 5th. However, he has that new car that he is sinking money into right now to look like Mr. Bigshot. So......I am angry, I am frustrated, and I am sad. For too long I have fallen for his telling me that I have a problem with money. The truth is, I just cannot afford to support him--that is the only problem I have with money.
Anyway, he brought home the buns when he got here (at 10:42 PM!!!!!) and expected to eat his burgers, which I like an idiot did fix. This morning he was gone when I got up and had left no money. So...I had to call him to ask if I could come up to his shop (which is going to waste what little bit of gas I have since it is a good 30 minutes from here) to get some money for the store. He asks me how much I need and I tell him that we are out of pretty much everything, from trash bags to oil; I estimate it is going to be AT least $100, probably more. He starts yelling that he doesn't understand what the hell I do with all my money--the same argument. I found myself starting to justify by telling him I paid my cell phone bill and the kids' cell phone bills; bought the stuff for Alyssa' birthday, paid the rent, the electric, and bought groceries that lasted from the 2nd when I got paid which was about $300 with all the other stuff included, and I have had to put gas in my car and on and on. Then I realized he doesn't really want to know what I've done with my money. His having to take some responsibility for the household is cutting into his "play money". Because he only paid half the rent on the 5th. However, he has that new car that he is sinking money into right now to look like Mr. Bigshot. So......I am angry, I am frustrated, and I am sad. For too long I have fallen for his telling me that I have a problem with money. The truth is, I just cannot afford to support him--that is the only problem I have with money.
Replies
Oh boy! I\'m curious and please tell if I\'m stepping over my boundaries. Does he normally leave you money when he leaves before you are up? What about just for now ask for some money the night before so you aren\'t relying on him being home in the morning? Can you put some money aside from your pay check without him knowing...just a little each week for a bit of a cushion. Does he have a favorite item you buy from the store for him? Well to save a little extra there, leave some of his specific favorites out of your order. If he asks, just say they were all out...isn\'t that something? I started doing this when I needed some extra money. It worked pretty good! He never found out and I didn\'t have to ask as often, and I didn\'t have to hear his mouth! Also I would like to suggest the book Should I Stay or Should I Go, by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me, it became my bible. My H is now living in a hotel, I have the restraining order, and in 2 months I filed for divorce. I was with him for 20 yrs. I loved him very much. My last shot was the book, and he just couldn\'t step up to the plate. It hurts, and I thought I would never have enough courage...but I did! So can YOU!!! \"Big Hugs\"
\"The truth is, I just cannot afford to support him--that is the only problem I have with money\". Yup, I remember that one too well. But you have leverage on him - you own the cars, remember. You can bite him hard - but I think you probably need a plan to be gone when you do. Find all the details of the cars you apparently own, make a plan to be gone, sell them and use the proceeds to set yourself up.
If I were you, I would re-read everything that you\'ve written about this very manipulative, mean-spirited A**hole.... I hope for your sake and your kids\' sake that you leave him. I don\'t know what the laws are in MD, but I would think after spending all these years with him, you would be granted by the court system, some kind of alimony or something, being he makes 3 times that you do. Don\'t make excuses for him in your mind or think that he will change. He is a \"loose-cannon\" a tyrant that will not change. You should try to stop spending any money on anything that is not absolutely necessary and save up enough to leave, get into a different home for you and your kids. File for separation, file for support, etc. I\'ve been divorced twice and was scared to death that my 2nd husband would cause bodily harm... when I had him served papers at his work, he was also fired the same day. He backed down, did nothing to me or my boys. I was afraid for nothing. But fear has a way of controlling us. Facing fear and uncertainty is one of the hardest things to do, but doing nothing to change where you are at now only causes you to want to kick yourself in the hind end because you are still putting up with it. In your heart you know the answer.... inevitably you will need to leave and put an end to what you know will not change.