just waiting

seems like lately all I am doing is waiting.  Waiting to heal from one thing or another.  I am so tired of being sick, hurt and yes tired.  I just long for a time when moving, and doing will be easier.  I watch my son play and wish I could run along with him.  I know that completing the steps to surgery and getting the surgery will help me achieve it.  Some days it seems so close even if I have to wait six months and then some days it seems so far away.  I don't expect it to all be rosy and wonderful once I have the surgery.  I have researched and read enough personal experiences to know that just isn't true and anyone going into this kind of surgery expecting that is going to be greatly disappointed.  I'm just tired of looking at the scales and seeing them see saw up and down all the time.  When they go down I feel wonderful and like I am making advances, but when I have been behaving myself and they go up I wonder what is the use because when I do what I am supposed to the weight still packs on.  I'm trying really trying but its hard to get past those feelings of despair.  I wish my family could understand but they really can't as they haven't really battled like I have.  Yes my mom is heavy but not all that bad and despite her problems she can still move she hasn't been hit with arthritis in her back and hip thankfully.  She is able to stay really active and I often wish I could be like her moving about a large garden and puttering in the yard without many difficulties.  I feel so depressed because it's like I am nothing more than a hermit in my house.  Never leaving unless its to pay bills, get groceries or go to the doctor.  I don't care to I have gotten to the point where I can't stand to see people look at me with the weight i am now.  I know that the journey ahead isn't going to be an easy one and there will be highs and lows, more than likely a lot of lows, but I also know there are going to be some great  rewards and that is what I am looking for.  I was watching the news the other day and they were talking about going to the gym and that you shouldn't be ashamed of your weight when you go to the gym because there are a lot of people there that need to lose weight.  I wondered what gym in my area are they talking about because I have checked out all of them and they are pretty much filled with skinny people that kind of glared at me when I walked through the doors to check out the gym.  The funny thing is when people who are not fat look at you like you are the most unhealthy person in the world.  Yet a few years ago before mobility issues took place I had good blood sugar levels, great blood pressure and could run circles around skinnier people I knew.  Now to be that active just kills my back and hip but I know with weight loss it will ease the pressure on those areas.  I'm scared of doing a sleep test, I don't believe I have sleep apnea but it scares me that I might.  I have a hard time sleeping with something on my face and just want to cry at the thought of it.  My father has it pretty bad and I don't know if its heredity or not.  When I think of all the tests I have to go through and things that will happen after the surgery I wonder.  I know that I have a lot of support from my family and even close friends as they know how much I have struggled and how much I am going through now.  But when i try to voice my fears or concerns they all say 'oh you will be just fine stop worrying about something silly like that'.  I mean I don't like to feel incapable of doing things for myself and it drives me crazy that I can't take care of things on my own.  When that happens I feel like a less effective human being.  Nobody in my personal circle seems to get that.  Thankfully I have found that I am no longer alone.  I think sometimes what if I go through all this and I don't get approved for surgery but then the surgeon said at the lecture that his office works to make sure that a person meets all the guidelines for their insurance to cover the surgery.  Then I wonder if I go through all this and I fail.  What if I don't lose weight, what if I lose it only to gain it all back again.  If I can lose the weight I will usually stay at that weight.  But the last few weeks I have gained and yet I have adhered to the meal plan that my dietitian gave me for diabetes/weight loss.  Its more than I usually eat and I gained a whole lot of weight.  When I told my doctor about this yesterday he smiled and said he kind of expected me to gain weight when I started that diet for the first three or four weeks because I have been starving my body for so long that it doesn't know how to behave with food in it.  Add that to the fact that I haven't been able to exercise as well as I used to and that would account for the gain.  But eating according to the plan will help my body build the nutrients it needs to mend after the surgery.  So even if I gain weight, if I am eating healthy I will be providing my body with the stuff it needs to help me heal faster and just have a better overall experience.  I'm really low on a lot of the vitamins and minerals that I need and take a ton of supplements.  I have really considered getting the vitamins my surgeon recommends to his patients to start taking them.  They cover all the things that I am taking now and while a bariatric patient would have to take four a day I think that one a day would be equal to what I am taking now just in one eatable pill.  I just want the outcome to be the best and I worry that sometimes I am not cut out for this.  Its hard to think of these things a lot of the time and I leave my journal public because I hope that somewhere out there somebody who is struggling like I am will read these and know that he/she is not alone.  I have read the postings on the board from other peoples personal experiences and I know that I am not alone but despite hearing their words and other people encouraging them I still feel it deep down inside.  I see my counselor tomorrow afternoon and I think I will bring these things up with her.