Just venting again.
The more time passes since Colleen's passing, the more I hurt inside!! What pushes me down the most, is watching how people in crisis or pain around me, are being pampered and supported, but my whole life I had to stand alone!! This is wrong, I know, but it just became the centre of my whole being lately!!
When my late husband passed away in 2007, my in-laws, whom we were staying with, kicked me and Colleen out of their home. My son helped us to get a place to stay ...... 2 rooms in strange people's home. After my Colleen passed in 2013, my family and so called friends abandoned me. Yes, lots of people go through much worse things in their lives, but does that mean that I don't deserve any support, or at least acknowledgement of my pain?!
I don't feel sorry for myself, I am completely shattered!!! Now I can't work because of my broken wrist, I lost my confidence and I'm not sure when I'll be able to use my right hand fully again. And once again I receive absolutely no understanding or support from people! Instead I am continually asked when I will be going back to work again!!! For 62 years I coped, all on my own, but this time I am shattered beyond repair!!!!
I am on medication for depression and anxiety, but it is not helping me anymore. No therapists in our small town. And nobody to talk to about all these heavy emotions.... My children try to cheer me up, but they can't really understand. And I also don't want to burden them with my heavy baggage.....
Replies
Dearest Andelene, I am so very sorry about your broken wrist and I broke mine many years ago when I was still teaching and I remember how much it hurt even though it was in a cast. I know that whenever I feel broken physically it always compounds my grief and sorrow. You are not able to be involved and doing the things that you enjoy and this adds another layer of unhappiness, I know.
This is a time of truth telling for us as women and I truly believe that perhaps you need to think about risking asking for what you are needing. I have no doubt that you have along the way and even perhaps been told, "No" too, yet it's never too late to ask again. I have found that so often others simply haven't a clue so tell them again and again if necessary. I understand with my whole heart that there is a part of each of us that believes we shouldn't have to do this and that others should "know," yet truly so many don't. Just a thought and of course perhaps you have already tried this a zillion times and don't have the energy, I understand... It is so very frustrating and painful to feel as if you are all alone and that no one extends their hand to you to ask how you are doing and feeling?? Deepest of sighs...
Please come here to vent as you are and know that we are with you. We all need a "go to" person and if it can't be family then we go and find a chosen family.
My heart is with you and please take care of yourself as best as you are able. Oh, how I wish I lived closer and could lend a hand because I would.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart and healing (((hugs))) just for you, Colleen's mum today from Douglas and me.
XO Joanie
First of all, it's always OK to vent...especially here, in this safe space. Secondly, I'm so sorry you've broken your wrist! I broke mine as a child and still remember the pain. I'm praying for a complete and speedy healing. And thirdly, I agree with JJ wholeheartedly about asking for what we need. After all, the squeaky wheel gets the oil as they say. Not to make light of your deep sorrow or pain in any way whatsoever!!! YES, it's unfair that we have to ask, have to teach others, and have to sit on the sidelines watching others receive what we so desperately want and need, but I've found strength in the asking for what I need and both in the receiving of it, and not.
It can surely be a HARD life here on earth...
Know that you ARE cared for and thought of and prayed for my sweet friend.
Tight heart hugs,
Teri
Dear Andeline. I am so sorry. It just seems like one thing aftter another. After losing Lisa, I have fewer resources to bounce back after a setback. With the pain, inability to work etc, it is hard. I am glad tthat you have your children for support. They don't really get it, yet they care about you and I think that goes a long way. I know you don't want to worry them but I think it is okay to let them know how you feel.
I don't think anyone really understands the pain of losing a child. Unless you are another mother who has had to say good bye to a child to their own. Depression and anxiety are really hard for anyone who has never experienced it. I really hope you can get some help to cope. So as Joanie said, please never hesitate to come here to let it all out.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene
Hello my friend, I've tried to leave a longer comment twice but DS keeps saying error. Just know I'm here to listen and praying for you. Love, Linda