Just venting....
I am back at home, with Melany and Lee-Ann, permanently. My last 2 jobs did not work out at all, because I just wasn't good enough. Maybe it is life telling me to stop doing and just to be?
We need the extra income so badly, but that is just not going to happen anymore. Yes, I gave up. After I failed so miserably, I am back to where I was many years ago: I have zero confidence, my muscles go stiff whenever I walk alone outside and the most basic walking movements become a huge problem! As soon as I get back in the house, I am fine again. Even basic talking to people is also a huge struggle, because my vocal muscles go into spasms! This is so pathetic!!
My mind knows all the answers, but my heart is completely shattered! The good thing is that I feel Colleen so close to me lately. She knows and understands how broken I am, and she is comforting me. Am I totally crazy now?
Replies
I'm so sorry the jobs have not worked out and perhaps there is some way that you can bring in some extra income from home? You are so very creative and also is there anyone who needs help watching their Little for a few hours a week? Maybe not at all what you are needing, yet the elderly and infants/children have so much in common in terms of their needs and I know that you have those gifts and talents.
I'm not sure what is going on for you medically with the walking and talking? Is it something that you are thinking might be psychological as you feel okay once you are inside, yet in the outside world it is another story? The brain is so very powerful as are our thoughts and I'm wondering if you have anyone there who does cranioSacral work or massage or some kind of body work to help connect the mind with the body?
How wonderful that you are feeling Colleen close by and NO, YOU are not crazy! I sense that because you are slowing down a bit more without your work schedule that perhaps you are having more time to notice and to witness without the busyness? I know that I need quiet time daily to tap into my heart, to listen and to feel the guidance of my loved ones who are no longer earth side.
I am grateful you have journaled and please stay close as YOU are not alone. YOU matter, how you feel matters, YOU are enough just as you are in this present moment and please take the most loving care of yourself that you are able to. Care for yourself in the ways that you offer for others.
Thinking of you and sending my love that your confidence in yourself be restored. Nothing outside of ourselves can do this as I have discovered and it's totally an "inside" job. Begin with that scared little girl inside who is an aspect of you and let her know that you love her, will listen to her and that there's nothing wrong with her. Inner child work can be transformative and perhaps if you have a picture of yourself at an age where you felt like a warrior, courageous and strong. I have done a lot of inner child work lately and have found it to be transformative for me. There is no "right or wrong" way in which to go about it, and most of all it's just going within and tapping into this young and sometimes frightened aspect of ourselves who needs to know that they don't have to be in "charge" and that we are available to care for them in the most healthy and loving way that we know how to do. Once this happens they can move to the back seat so to speak and don't have to feel as if they must be "driving the car" and decisions and life seem to not feel so filled with fear. Most of the time when I feel this way which is part of living in these earth suits, it's my inner child who is terrified and needs my attention.
I did not mean to write a novel, yet this came in so strongly as I read your journal and you know me, I will always share and take what you like and just dump the rest.
Please stay close and let us know how you are dearest Andelene.
With love to Colleen's mum from Douglas and me.
XO Joanie
Hi Andelene, I'm sorry your jobs didn't work out, but be gentle on yourself. Sometimes a job (or two) are just not a good match. You did your best and that is more than enough. As Joanie suggested maybe some kind of creative work from home or watching Littles? Since I retired I have been watching my grandson's children while he & his wife work. It's good for them and good for me. Childcare is so expensive.
I love that you are feeling your dear Colleen nearby! I love when I hear from Ed.
Gentle hugs and love to you and dearest Colleen, Linda
Andelene, I have always felt close to you and feel your hopelessness and desperation. I am so sorry you are going through so much right now! Like Joanie, I am wondering if you feel this is psychological or physiological although it really does not matter because either way it is sheer misery! I know age is creeping in on me. While my father was ill, I lost quite a bit of my hearing in my right ear and then last week I was walking my dogs and fell flat on my chest. This has undermined my confidence and kept me in the chair or my bed most of the week to keep the pain at bay. It is quite a bit better but I am still working on my confidence, especially in my big feet that seemingly caused the problem. Lol. I am grateful you are feeling Colleen and I am grateful for the comfort given to her sweet mama! I wish I could be of comfort to you but I will keep you in my prayers. Sending love, Leda
I'm sure Melany and Lee-Ann are very happy to have you with them, and I'm sure you're happy to be able to spend time with them too. I can't remember how old Lee-Ann is now, but everything I hear about having grandchildren around sounds both AMAZING and exhausting, LOL! I do understand how they can keep one young at heart, and I'm hoping Lee-Ann is a great source of joy for you.
Were your last two jobs also sitting with/caring for the elderly? Sorry to have questions, I feel like I should know these answers, yet my brain is running on empty lately. Anyway, there may or may not be something else out there for you as far as a job, but making the adjustment to not working, and not by choice, has to be difficult and deflating too as that's what I'm hearing in your tone. I'm so sorry.
I'd definitely talk to the doctor regarding all your symptoms. Whether physical or psychological, I'd want answers and a plan to action to do whatever could be done to improve things.
SO grateful to Colleen for staying close and for making her presence known during these challenging times!!! They always know when we need them the most, and they never disappoint!! YAY COLLEEN!!! Keep the visits and positive energy coming your moms way!
Tightest of heart hugs sweet friend and I too am sending lots of love energy, positive vibes, and prayers~
Oh my dear Andelene. I am so sorry that the jobs didn't work out. I don't believe it was because you are not good enough. I think they were not a good fit.
Perhaps it is time to retire. I understand that it isn't that simple - when money is tight, retirement is not that appealing.
Good for Colleen! She is watching over her mom.
As Teri said, I think it would be a good idea to see a doctor.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene