Just trying To Get Over This....
Well, here I am, 11 days removed from my relationship with my ex-fiance. I'd love to be dishonest and come in here and report that life since she's been gone has been anything close to a bed of roses. It has not, it's been a very powerless situation for me to go through. I've always been a person who has some sort of control of what's going on around me, be it people, be it places, be it situations, whatever.
This situation has painfully shown me that the "control" I though I had over the situation in regards to my ex-fiance was an illusion. I was powerless to do anything when ever it was that she first entertained the notion to leave. I was powerless to stop the process when she announced it. And I felt powerless in regards to the feelings of not being able to do anything about it while she was here, just waiting for the date on her Airline ticket to leave.
Since her departure, I am finding it hard to not flood my mind in regards to thinking about it all. Granted, it's now been 11 days, and yes, time helps us recover from breakup's that we suffer from. Things around here might be taking baby steps as towards improving. It's hard, and don't think it hurts any less than the day she walked out the door for the final time, but I am finding myself crying less, needing less tissue, I am as hard as it is, I'm trying my best to dive into some minor household chores. I have joined a new Wednesday night support group, that specializes in cognitive therapy, the first meeting went well, hopefully as I continue to go and hopefully grow, perhaps things will get better, but right now the pain and discomfort is still very fresh.
I guess there is one good thing that has come out of this, since my ex-fiance's departure my Son became aware that his Father is alone, he wanted to stay with me a while, to help get me through some of this, as so I didn't feel so much alone. So the "re-connect" I've been having with my Son has been nice, but my conscious keeps reminding that this in no replacement for your ex-fiance, and telling me that I shouldn't feel anything is familiar, for it keeps reminding me that things are indeed different.
Also, for what ever reason something has just been driving me really nut's! My mind must be playing some nasty tricks on my way of thinking right now. For what ever reason or purpose, I find my playing some strange game like....."maybe if I do this she'll come back"....or thinking if I vacuum the house a couple more times, she'll see I'm being helpful and will return to me. It's just fricking nut's, that a part of my mind is thinking that if I get all this stuff done around the house, or make a couple trips to the local store as to be helpful and show that I'm nice and responsible, for whatever reason my mind is convincing myself that is some small way that it might make her come back. Then I'm hit with the chilling reality that when my mind comes off it's lofty cloud of trying to fool me that anything I do will make her come back, when it quits and the chilling reality catches back up to me, and I stand there and realize that nothing I do her in Sacramento will make a lick of difference to my ex back in Columbus Ohio, she can;t see it, she doesn't know about all I'm doing, she's not here Aaron!
I don't know, just sometimes I feel like I'm going a little crazy!
This situation has painfully shown me that the "control" I though I had over the situation in regards to my ex-fiance was an illusion. I was powerless to do anything when ever it was that she first entertained the notion to leave. I was powerless to stop the process when she announced it. And I felt powerless in regards to the feelings of not being able to do anything about it while she was here, just waiting for the date on her Airline ticket to leave.
Since her departure, I am finding it hard to not flood my mind in regards to thinking about it all. Granted, it's now been 11 days, and yes, time helps us recover from breakup's that we suffer from. Things around here might be taking baby steps as towards improving. It's hard, and don't think it hurts any less than the day she walked out the door for the final time, but I am finding myself crying less, needing less tissue, I am as hard as it is, I'm trying my best to dive into some minor household chores. I have joined a new Wednesday night support group, that specializes in cognitive therapy, the first meeting went well, hopefully as I continue to go and hopefully grow, perhaps things will get better, but right now the pain and discomfort is still very fresh.
I guess there is one good thing that has come out of this, since my ex-fiance's departure my Son became aware that his Father is alone, he wanted to stay with me a while, to help get me through some of this, as so I didn't feel so much alone. So the "re-connect" I've been having with my Son has been nice, but my conscious keeps reminding that this in no replacement for your ex-fiance, and telling me that I shouldn't feel anything is familiar, for it keeps reminding me that things are indeed different.
Also, for what ever reason something has just been driving me really nut's! My mind must be playing some nasty tricks on my way of thinking right now. For what ever reason or purpose, I find my playing some strange game like....."maybe if I do this she'll come back"....or thinking if I vacuum the house a couple more times, she'll see I'm being helpful and will return to me. It's just fricking nut's, that a part of my mind is thinking that if I get all this stuff done around the house, or make a couple trips to the local store as to be helpful and show that I'm nice and responsible, for whatever reason my mind is convincing myself that is some small way that it might make her come back. Then I'm hit with the chilling reality that when my mind comes off it's lofty cloud of trying to fool me that anything I do will make her come back, when it quits and the chilling reality catches back up to me, and I stand there and realize that nothing I do her in Sacramento will make a lick of difference to my ex back in Columbus Ohio, she can;t see it, she doesn't know about all I'm doing, she's not here Aaron!
I don't know, just sometimes I feel like I'm going a little crazy!
Replies
Stay strong, I know it hurts real bad right now. I think it\'s really great that you took the steps to join the support group. I also think it\'s awesome that you are spending time with your son. You are doing positive things. It\'s going to hurt for awhile. I sometimes wonder how anyone gets through this. But then I remember people do this over and over throughout life. So we can too. You sound like a really great person, very in touch with your emotions, working on bettering yourself emotionally. Those are awesome qualities. One day, a woman will come along that appreciates you for those rare qualities.
BTW, I\'m not too far from you. I\'m in Cleveland.
Support group was a great idea I should look into something like that. Try and embrace your son now and appreciate the blessings you have. My daughter has been my rock. After learning the whole truth last weekend about my ex, I have gone total no contact and foolishly I see how I\'ve wasted the last 5 months by socializing with her. I am like back to square one again. I talked to my son this am and he is insisting I head to his pale tomorrow to spend the weekend and he is treating me to a round of golf. These are the things that will eventually get me there. I have been struggling with not contacting her, even to tell her what a piece of work she is and how her actions have destroyed not only me but her daughter too, but it won\'t change anything so I know with my head not to even bother. Of course my heart is saying otherwise but I have to conquer that urge. Good luck Aaron well make it somehow! :)
Thank you all for your kind words, it was real nice to come back from making a run to the corner store and come back home to see this, thank you. And AgentSmith, be aware, that your currently closer to my ex-fiance than you are to me, I live in Sacramento California, she lives in Columbus Ohio. Want to trade home towns? No, better not, I might be tempted to hop in a car and make the couple hours trip to Columbus and knock on someones front door!
You are doing all the right things, Aaron. 11 days is nothing. I\'m going on 4 months since he left and I still have bad days. Not to discourage you. Just to let you know that our feelings are normal. I too do the if I clean the kitchen floor better or get a better job, then he\'ll come back thing. But , he isn\'t coming back and that is my harsh reality. In my opinion you are lucky that she moved to a new town. I wish my stbx would. It will get better. It has too. I wish you well. Keep going to those meetings and posting here. It helps to know that we are all in this together.
Hugs,
Jeanne
Hi, sorry to hear you\'re going to such a rough time. But I\'m glad to hear you have your son to help support you. Just keep looking forward buddy. It will get better.
So, if you\'ve read my posts before you\'ll know that I\'m here to give you the other side\'s perspective. And I hate, I really hate to sound I like I\'m not acknowledging your feelings and the pain you\'re going through. I hear you Aaron, I know your hurting, but....
Remember why she felt she had to leave in the first place and how you came to join this site. You gotta understand your part in this in order to heal from it. I can only speak from my own lived experiences. So for example, I know that between me and my spouse, a lot of the times he lied not ever thinking of the repercussions that lie would bring. He would lie, then think \"ok, so this makes it all better, right?\" He would expect me to just jump back into our regular lovy dovy routine. But by then, I couldn\'t, because I felt like he had minimalized what just occurred and it would anger me that he would not want to focus of the obvious. It felt like he always wanted to brush things under the rug sort-a-speak.
But more so than the anger, was the hurt. The hurt that sets in when one realizes that the person you want to trust and believe in has let you down again with another lie. As a woman, you want to feel like your man is the protector, the rock. But what happens when you can no longer believe in your protector? Unfortunately, that perfect image she had of you has forever changed because of the lies Aaron. Again, I\'m sorry, I don\'t wanna be insensitive to your feelings, but part of the reason why I joined this site was because I feel that the ritual of lying partly comes from the deep rooted idea that you have to always be on what I call \'auto-defensive mode\'. Can\'t look weak or flawed or wrong in the eyes of that other person, so let\'s make up a lie or two to defend that position that you feel needs defending, right? IDK, you tell me, am I too far off? And I know, right now your probably saying I\'m contradicting myself. On one hand I\'m saying be the rock, but on the other hand I\'m saying show your flaws. Well, that\'s exactly right! A rock has many flaws and imperfections, yet it still remains strong and solid like a rock. Be yourself, we all have flaws, but when it comes to the important things in your life (like your ex-fiance) stay true and strong.
So please, again, think of her and how she may be hurting. She needs to heal, you need to heal. Give her time, give yourself time.