Just tired, Missing you so.
Stevan,
Just wanted you to know I miss you so much, it hurts that you are not here with me and the kids, we need you and miss you and Love you> I have had to try to move out of this constant fog and sadness and I think I am starting to make my way, it is a slow, slow process because every time I think I am moving forward I end up back a couple steps and have to crawl my way back to where I was. Sometimes it works and sometimes I feel stuck back there. You are the world to me Stevan, you made me laugh so much, and were always there for us, I couldn't ever imagine life without you and it has happened and I am lost here. I don't know which way to turn without the feeling of total sadness but I don't want to be like this forever and I don't know how to get there from here without you. To think of a life without you is not something I can comprehend yet, I always thought you and I could take on whatever we were given, but that was suppose to be a team effort not and you or me thing. I never ever thought you were going to die that night on the way to the hospital, and the vision I have of you there I still can't get out of my head and that is not how I want to remember you. If I had known what was going to happen that night I would have held your hand in the truck as I was driving telling you how much I love you and don't you leave me but I didn't think you were going to die that night. I miss you Stevan and I will try my best to make a happy future for Casey and Kyle but for me right now it just looks sad. I know you don't want me to feel this way and I wouldn't want you to either but right now through tears and don't know how to fix that. I haven't touched any of your things cause that would just make it more final and right now I can't take that. I bought new pillows and sheets for the bed and I just can't bring myself to change anything. I still have your shirt hanging on the clothes rack that smells like you and I smell it al the time, you wore it for a couple evenings before bed and it has your smell so I will keep it there for who knows how long. Your t-shirt and sweatshirt that you had on the night you died has lost your smell but I still hold them close to me every night when I finally go to bed it is as close to you as I can get to holding you(TEARS) I just want to tall you how much you mean to me and how much I miss you, I have never hurt like this before and I don't know what to do anymore. You are my everything Stevan and don't ever question that OK. We made it through some pretty rough times and never gave up on each other and I will never give up my love for you.
I LOVE YOU STEVAN
ALWAYS & ALWAYS
FOREVER & EVER
Laur
Just wanted you to know I miss you so much, it hurts that you are not here with me and the kids, we need you and miss you and Love you> I have had to try to move out of this constant fog and sadness and I think I am starting to make my way, it is a slow, slow process because every time I think I am moving forward I end up back a couple steps and have to crawl my way back to where I was. Sometimes it works and sometimes I feel stuck back there. You are the world to me Stevan, you made me laugh so much, and were always there for us, I couldn't ever imagine life without you and it has happened and I am lost here. I don't know which way to turn without the feeling of total sadness but I don't want to be like this forever and I don't know how to get there from here without you. To think of a life without you is not something I can comprehend yet, I always thought you and I could take on whatever we were given, but that was suppose to be a team effort not and you or me thing. I never ever thought you were going to die that night on the way to the hospital, and the vision I have of you there I still can't get out of my head and that is not how I want to remember you. If I had known what was going to happen that night I would have held your hand in the truck as I was driving telling you how much I love you and don't you leave me but I didn't think you were going to die that night. I miss you Stevan and I will try my best to make a happy future for Casey and Kyle but for me right now it just looks sad. I know you don't want me to feel this way and I wouldn't want you to either but right now through tears and don't know how to fix that. I haven't touched any of your things cause that would just make it more final and right now I can't take that. I bought new pillows and sheets for the bed and I just can't bring myself to change anything. I still have your shirt hanging on the clothes rack that smells like you and I smell it al the time, you wore it for a couple evenings before bed and it has your smell so I will keep it there for who knows how long. Your t-shirt and sweatshirt that you had on the night you died has lost your smell but I still hold them close to me every night when I finally go to bed it is as close to you as I can get to holding you(TEARS) I just want to tall you how much you mean to me and how much I miss you, I have never hurt like this before and I don't know what to do anymore. You are my everything Stevan and don't ever question that OK. We made it through some pretty rough times and never gave up on each other and I will never give up my love for you.
I LOVE YOU STEVAN
ALWAYS & ALWAYS
FOREVER & EVER
Laur
Replies
I am so sorry for You, Casey,and Kyle. Huge hugs to you all. I wish I could take the pain away. I\'ll always be here for you to talk to Laurie.
Robert
Thank you Robert,
It was just one of those moments that I just had to let go, I have been having a few more recently and I am trying to work through them and let them happen, It is so hard because you think you are doing better then a moment comes and hits you and you realize again that they are not coming back. Just really sensitive lately, just missing him more lately. The finality of it seems so unreal ya know. I know we have to take it slow and I am trying, but these times that blast you are paralyzing. Anyway, thank you again. How are you and Matt doing, I hope you are doing as good as you can be. It is so nice to have people here to talk to when family and friends are there but don\'t get it completely. Take care say Hi to Matt for us
Peace and Love to you and Matt
Laurie
You have not only lost your husband, but have to adjust to both roles as a parent. All in an instant. The fact that you didn\'t get that final goodbye before Steven passed, makes this harder still. The night before Sharry passed, I worked outside until it was almost time to turn in. I couldn\'t know, it was the last night I would see her, just as you could not know how serious Steven\'s condition was. You must not beat yourself up over how that night went. Over the course of your years together, you proved your love for each other. It\'s the sum total of your relationship that matters, not the circumstances surrounding one terrible evening. What you wrote was a powerful testament to your love for Steven. Are you sleeping ok? If not, have you seen your Dr.? There are mild dose medications to help you sleep, without making you a zombie in the morning. I went on a moderate dose, and now cut it in half, as I have adjusted to this new life. You have to be able to sleep, whatever it takes. Matt is playing \"Tom Sawyer\" by Rush on his CD player. That\'s my boy!!!!!
Robert,
Thank you for your kind words , you got me thinking more about NOT thinking about that night but it is hard to press that time out of my mind yet, I know he knew I loved him but it is still very hard to get over that part, that night but I am going to try to remember him before that night, you made a lot of sense with what you say here and maybe I needed that from somebody who has been there too. I have gone to the doc. about 2 weeks after Stevan passed and she gave me some very mild meds for sleeping but they don\'t help at all, I am going to call and make an appt. with her again to see if she can get me something else, but I don\'t want o be too out of it in case Casey needs me for anything. I am not sleeping well at all not yet, stay up too late then have to get up for work, not working I turn over and shut the alarm CLOCKS off and off I go back to sleep, I have 2 clocks so I wouldn\'t do that, but it ain\'t workin, I was late to work today because I did that, but my boss has been so great with me, I can\'t thank her enough but it will be hard to break that habit, Stevan was my alarm clock he always got up happy and ready to go in the morning and I was the one who didn\'t want to wake up and don\'t talk to me, look at me, touch me till I was up at least 1/2hr. unless It was a day off work :) Stevan always said \"it\'s a new day, be happy you woke up\" it drove me crazy! So Casey is like me in the morning so now we are 2 people who hate to get up, not fun here in the morning, Kyle is like Stevan, yell to him to get up and he\'s running down the stairs and jumps in the shower right away. Well anyway enough story telling, I just want to say thank you again for your help and friendship Robert I hope you and Matt have a good night and Casey is listening to her One Direction CD :) I am afraid her other hottie is in trouble with the law down in Miami, she will be very mad at him!
Peace and Love to you and Matt
Laurie