Just thoughts

 So I layed there motionless. What the fuck? So much is the matter with me. Peace is not an option. I’ll be stuck with this forever. As afternoon sun streams through my window I watch it hit the walls of my room and gleam. It's so hard to remember days when I would appreciate such a thing. I'm exhausted from 2 winters fighting this and my head feels like a million dollars of debt. But 5 years ago I was amazed by every spectacle of this world. "Doctor I’m afraid I need to let you go". 3rd time this year. (not really)  Orange bottles with twist off caps. My life’s a genetic mishap. As I streaked down the highway at 2 in the morning and saw the speedometer touch 110 I heard the pounding in my head begin. Sat in my driveway for an hour afterwards with the car off, shaking uncontrollably. Forever may I call upon my small white friend. As I sit and force myself to focus on any number of tasks at hand I think only of the joyous times that I need not have worried about such mental and comprehensive formalities. And what of fun? Now I can drink my way to bliss but I’d give it all up to play in the field as I did with my brother so many years ago. I swear I would. I'd give up any and all benefits of being an adult. (If this is how it feels to grow up) We found pleasure in the simplest of things. Children. Oh how envious I’ve been of them.             Life. The best years are the first. Maybe not for everyone but I’m looking through a lens into my future and I’m anything but optimistic.  A Life of mediocrity. A decade of hopelessness. A year of pain. A month of tragedy. A day of indecision. A knife. A bottle of pills. A rope. A 5 story drop.   No one would have known. Me? "Tom did what? No way not Tom" A school of sorrow.(standardized for every tragedy) Captain of the Soccer team. Class Musician. Honor Student. Happy? Fuck no!! Good kid? I think so. Depends on your point of view.   This is a hurtle. I personally think I just need to stay strong. It's naturally happening to me and I welcome all encouragement to hold on. "Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go" Blink 182- "Here's your Letter"