Just thinking, debating, what to say
So my husband transferred $150 to my USAA account last night. I guess he figured if he didn't it would look like he didn't care that I had the kids and needed money. But how is that any different from before we left?? Perhaps while we were there, he could do everything that needed to be done financially or materially, so there was "no need" to give me much, but now, he can't be there so he has to do something to show he is a good daddy.
There is just no excuse for treating me like I am his enemy. Part of me thinks it is just a show, this transferring money to the account I use, trying to make himself look good. I want to be appreciative of what he did but it seems to me it's what should have been happening all along and not just when it will make him look like he cares.
I have been debating all week about somthing. I was thinking about our situation early this morning, and it really bugs me that he would treat me that way. What should I tell the kids about this? I mean, he is the one who cheated and brought home STDs and spent the night with his female coworker while I was pregnant with our son, and he is the one who still brought the same shady behavior to Alabama after telling me it would be like a new start, without the old things that hurt our marriage before. He is the one who had no qualms about leaving me to deal with so many things alone, the kids health, my health, even our marriage situation, while he went on with the things he "had to do." He flat out let me know he did not want to bother with the two of us going out or spending time together. I was the one trying to keep things together, keep US together. But I get treated like I am just an inconvenience and a bother to him.
I know God has got to let this work in my favor. Just because my husband is a preacher does not mean he is doing the right thing or that he will not pay for the abuse he has doled out to me and the kids. And while his behavior toward them has gotten better, treating his wife like this is not right.
I have to say that I am glad he had been treating the kids more like he cared what was going on with them, but that has been mostly in the last year since I have been down and out. He cooked more, cleaned more, and talked to them more about their health and things for school. And they love him and it's like the old things have not passed away, but been forgiven. That is fine and I really was grateful for that. The only thing about it, is his treatment of me got worse. He acted like I was really a bother then. But because I don't believe in bad mouthing him I never told them what I was going through, or the real reason we are here now in SC rather than in AL.
I don't know what he was trying to "teach" me, but it wasn't right. I even hoped that my illness would inspire him to see our marriage as a blessing, something to treasure, but I was wrong on that too. Quite the opposite. He began to verbalize his negative attitude more, began to blatantly disregard me as a wife and treat me more as a live-in nanny, or sometimes a squatter who refused to leave. In front of the kids it was all business and politeness. Alone with me he was impatient, short, disrespectful and argumentive. I couldn't do or say anything right.
I believe he wants me out of his life - I just POOF, go away, and he can forget about me. The thing is we have these children, and even when he left me out of "family" things, they did not forget me. Even when he tried to discourage them from talking to me, or making our interaction time limited, in the guise of letting me rest, they did not forget. And I believe that my not being there would hurt them more than his not being there, because they are used to his absence. When he takes them out places, they beg me to go with them. When I take them out they just tell him goodbye. I was and still am the primary care giver.
All I can say is I was hoping that our absence from the house would give him time to think about what all this means, how breaking everything up would affect things, perhaps motivate him to consider really working on himself, and perhaps our marriage. Wishful thinking again? Because so far all it has really done is add fuel to the flame of his negativity toward me. It's only been over two weeks - perhaps it just takes more time in these situations.
In the meantime I do not want him acting on anger, getting a lawyer, or trying to declare me unfit or some such. He can be pretty impulsive in his anger. While I have the abuse to back me up, I really was hoping we could do this amicably, if only to give us both time to really think about what we want.
So far the kids only see that we left AL because mommy is sick and needs extra help from family, and hopefully daddy will join us soon. Neither of us puts the other down or talks to them about our issues. I just don't know what to tell my kids, because I do want to be honest, and at some point, especially if he tries to get them from me, it will come out.
So here I am an English major, have been told I write very well, great communicator, and I can't figure out how to tell my kids that mom really left because daddy was abusive, had girlfriends throughout the marriage, and was stressing mommy out, so we needed to be apart.
He tells the kids all the time that he misses them and that the house is quiet without them, even says he will see them soon at the end of almost every phone call. I wonder if he simply misses the "noise" of a full house, and just wants to come and get his kids, leaving me alone - his secret wish and intent all along. Because he was not around or as engaged as he probably should have been, with everything else he was doing. I am sure he misses them in some capacity.
I haven't told him my mom has moved, so we are not where we were before, but the kids may have. He has yet to ask me anything about it. He calls late, which I think is done purposely since I get very sleepy early compared to him, so our conversation usually consists of him telling me he knows I am tired or sleepy or something so we have to talk later. He makes no effort to talk to me about anything much at all.
He certainly hasn't modified his life, other than he calls late on weekends, like after 10, when if we were there he would have been home before then. So he is staying out later, and that was evident last night, as I heard his car door beeping as he was talking to the kids. He was either coming or going. So he has time to go out and do whatever now.
Well we are doing fine right now, but I have been debating whether or not today should be the day I tell the kids at least the real reason why we are here and he is there. We are home schooling and they are doing well with it. Still soaking up info like sponges. Would that change once they know daddy wasn't the image they saw before we left? Would they believe me, since all they saw was how good daddy has been to them lately?
My forearms are starting to hurt from all this typing, so I better stop now.
There is just no excuse for treating me like I am his enemy. Part of me thinks it is just a show, this transferring money to the account I use, trying to make himself look good. I want to be appreciative of what he did but it seems to me it's what should have been happening all along and not just when it will make him look like he cares.
I have been debating all week about somthing. I was thinking about our situation early this morning, and it really bugs me that he would treat me that way. What should I tell the kids about this? I mean, he is the one who cheated and brought home STDs and spent the night with his female coworker while I was pregnant with our son, and he is the one who still brought the same shady behavior to Alabama after telling me it would be like a new start, without the old things that hurt our marriage before. He is the one who had no qualms about leaving me to deal with so many things alone, the kids health, my health, even our marriage situation, while he went on with the things he "had to do." He flat out let me know he did not want to bother with the two of us going out or spending time together. I was the one trying to keep things together, keep US together. But I get treated like I am just an inconvenience and a bother to him.
I know God has got to let this work in my favor. Just because my husband is a preacher does not mean he is doing the right thing or that he will not pay for the abuse he has doled out to me and the kids. And while his behavior toward them has gotten better, treating his wife like this is not right.
I have to say that I am glad he had been treating the kids more like he cared what was going on with them, but that has been mostly in the last year since I have been down and out. He cooked more, cleaned more, and talked to them more about their health and things for school. And they love him and it's like the old things have not passed away, but been forgiven. That is fine and I really was grateful for that. The only thing about it, is his treatment of me got worse. He acted like I was really a bother then. But because I don't believe in bad mouthing him I never told them what I was going through, or the real reason we are here now in SC rather than in AL.
I don't know what he was trying to "teach" me, but it wasn't right. I even hoped that my illness would inspire him to see our marriage as a blessing, something to treasure, but I was wrong on that too. Quite the opposite. He began to verbalize his negative attitude more, began to blatantly disregard me as a wife and treat me more as a live-in nanny, or sometimes a squatter who refused to leave. In front of the kids it was all business and politeness. Alone with me he was impatient, short, disrespectful and argumentive. I couldn't do or say anything right.
I believe he wants me out of his life - I just POOF, go away, and he can forget about me. The thing is we have these children, and even when he left me out of "family" things, they did not forget me. Even when he tried to discourage them from talking to me, or making our interaction time limited, in the guise of letting me rest, they did not forget. And I believe that my not being there would hurt them more than his not being there, because they are used to his absence. When he takes them out places, they beg me to go with them. When I take them out they just tell him goodbye. I was and still am the primary care giver.
All I can say is I was hoping that our absence from the house would give him time to think about what all this means, how breaking everything up would affect things, perhaps motivate him to consider really working on himself, and perhaps our marriage. Wishful thinking again? Because so far all it has really done is add fuel to the flame of his negativity toward me. It's only been over two weeks - perhaps it just takes more time in these situations.
In the meantime I do not want him acting on anger, getting a lawyer, or trying to declare me unfit or some such. He can be pretty impulsive in his anger. While I have the abuse to back me up, I really was hoping we could do this amicably, if only to give us both time to really think about what we want.
So far the kids only see that we left AL because mommy is sick and needs extra help from family, and hopefully daddy will join us soon. Neither of us puts the other down or talks to them about our issues. I just don't know what to tell my kids, because I do want to be honest, and at some point, especially if he tries to get them from me, it will come out.
So here I am an English major, have been told I write very well, great communicator, and I can't figure out how to tell my kids that mom really left because daddy was abusive, had girlfriends throughout the marriage, and was stressing mommy out, so we needed to be apart.
He tells the kids all the time that he misses them and that the house is quiet without them, even says he will see them soon at the end of almost every phone call. I wonder if he simply misses the "noise" of a full house, and just wants to come and get his kids, leaving me alone - his secret wish and intent all along. Because he was not around or as engaged as he probably should have been, with everything else he was doing. I am sure he misses them in some capacity.
I haven't told him my mom has moved, so we are not where we were before, but the kids may have. He has yet to ask me anything about it. He calls late, which I think is done purposely since I get very sleepy early compared to him, so our conversation usually consists of him telling me he knows I am tired or sleepy or something so we have to talk later. He makes no effort to talk to me about anything much at all.
He certainly hasn't modified his life, other than he calls late on weekends, like after 10, when if we were there he would have been home before then. So he is staying out later, and that was evident last night, as I heard his car door beeping as he was talking to the kids. He was either coming or going. So he has time to go out and do whatever now.
Well we are doing fine right now, but I have been debating whether or not today should be the day I tell the kids at least the real reason why we are here and he is there. We are home schooling and they are doing well with it. Still soaking up info like sponges. Would that change once they know daddy wasn't the image they saw before we left? Would they believe me, since all they saw was how good daddy has been to them lately?
My forearms are starting to hurt from all this typing, so I better stop now.
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