Just Thinking

So finally the trip I've been waiting for is tomorrow.  This wil be the first time I get to go to D.C. and actually do mostly sightseeing....I do have that pesky MRI Monday at Walter Reed, but I'm still calling this my vacation :)  I don't care if it rains, thunders, snows, if there's pestilence or whatever....I'm determinded to have myself a lovely time! So while this is all good and fine, all good and fine things come with a price.  Of course today was one of the days that I had to go and pick up my husband from work.  On a good day it takes me an hour to get there...on a bad day in traffic, well it can take up to two hours.  Today was almost a two hour day.  I don't mind driving all that much but the problem is that if I drive for too long, especially in stop-and-go traffic, my legs and ankles and feet get terribly sore and start to actually throb.  I should be used to this but it just hurts so badly that I want to cry and then of course I get angry and wonder why I should HAVE to get used to something so painful when all I am doing is driving a car like normal people do everyday of thier lives....it gets better. Finally, after picking up my husband and then driving all over to take care of endless errands that needed done for our trip tomorrow, we made it home around 8 pm.....5 hours after I had first left the house.  So, of course by now I am in so much pain I can't sit still and had told my husband this and asked him if he would please rub my feet and legs after we had dinner.  Sure, he said, not a problem.  I should have known it wouldn't be that easy.  To make it as short as possible, him rubbing my feet led into a huge argument (and I swear he was determined to have a fight with me over something, it seems the norm these days).  I don't know how my being in pain leads to him saying I expect so much from him and never give anything back, that I am selfish, that I never follow thru with what I say I will.  He has told me time and time again to see my doctor about pain meds.  I have done this and since I also have a bad back the doc prescribed me some very lovely pills.  Only problem is, if I take them I get very 'stoned' which can be funny, but really, I can't function for the entire next day so often I choose not to take them.  Sometimes a warm bath works, but I still had to clean up after him earlier, pack for tomorrow and put my pills in order for the weekend, so a simple foot rub didn't seem very demanding to me.  I don't mind him saying mean things, I'm quite used to that.  I do mind when he yells and screams and accuses, telling me that if he were the one who were sick he would handle it so much better and not whine and complain all the time.  I'd really like to know how he knows that.  Then again, I hope he never knows.  I think I am getting to the end of my rope with him...I love him, I adore him, he's been with me thru all of this but what price to I pay?  I am belittled, yelled and screamed at, accused, blamed, picked on, called names, and sometimes if he really wants to be cruel he locks me out of the bedroom knowing full well that sometimes I can't get comfortable anywhere but in bed.  How can one person be this way?  I'm tired of my family telling me this is his way of dealing with it.  I have to deal with it too, but I never am that cruel to him.  I smile, I laugh, I do my best to be a good wife even on days when I want to scream because this crap is so unfair.  I just couldn't do that tonight.  I sat down at my table, sorted my medications by myself instead of asking him for help, cried a little when he couldn't see, and now I'm sitting here still with aching feet and legs and hoping and praying that maybe tomorrow....or the next day...or even the day after he might see that there's a little teeny something wonderful and special about me.  There has to be, I think, or God wouldn't have kept me around this long. Many prayers...CA