just so tired of the pain

i have been away from DS too long. all my old ' friends' have moved on, or just stopped coming here. between my neverending headaches, my lower back, and my neck, my middle back has gone to hell. if one feels good one or mare of the others are doing bad.i have trouble taking a shower cause it hurt to stand that long. it too warm out to take a bath plus my hot water heater wont fill a whole tub. my boyfriend is tired of me being in pain. he'd like sex more than once or twice a month. my friends are tired of me canceling plans due to pain, im tired of my house being a wreck, and im just tired of knowing that pain IS my life. knowing it will probably never end, of knowing it will most likely get worse. im so scared that a year from now i'll be in a wheelchair; still in pain but unable to walk. i wish i could just take more pain pills but all that does is make me itch. which leads to more pain. im tired of sleeping 12+ hours a night due to pills, but grateful for the escape. if it were not for my daughters i would probably overdose just to escape. no matter who might be ' better off' ( in my worst times i think it) i could never do that to my girls. they have lost soooo much in their young lives i would never leave them intentionally. so i keep on. i keep praying, i keep being in pain, and know that one day it will end as God and Goddess will it.