Just sitting
Well, it's almost 2 am and I'm just sitting here missing you. Watched tv tonight as usual and I should be sleeping but you're always in my thoughts. Went out to the backyard with the dog for a bit and watched the stars, wondering if you're safe and happy. I hope so because I pray for you. I can't explain the emptiness I feel with you gone.
I go from depression to anger and back and don't seem to have any other emotions. I do my best with the kids and the dog and try not to let them see me breaking down because they don't need that on top of their own grief but I don't know how to go on. When I leave a store and the cashier tells me to have a great day I cringe inside,even though I know they mean well and it's just something you say to pretty well every customer.
You always knew how to fill up the grocery cart while I walked along side you and complained until you smiled and told me just be quiet and let you do you do your thing. When I took you clothes shopping I hummed and hawed while you were in the changing room or strolling from one isle to the next looking for just the right top. I made sure you saw me roll my eyes in frustration but I loved seeing you happy when you picked something you really liked. What wouldn't I give to be walking hand in hand with you in the mall now. Or you threatening to cut up a t shirt of mine with holes that had obviously outlived it's time, so I hid it until I could bring it out again to tease you so the threats would start up again.
You were my life and everything in it and it's falling apart now. Life stinks but every morning I open my eyes and prepare for another day. It's not just that I need you to be there for me. I need to be there for you. I miss you putting your arms around me and telling me you feel safe. I miss your smell and the way your lips felt and the nicknames we had for each other, and too many other things to mention that pop into my head all through the day.
I miss you standing at the barbeque and cooking the great things you made. You wouldn't let me cook ever since I burned the ribs to charcoal 2 years ago and we still laughed about it. Me being as stubborn as I was I still ate those ribs declaring them delicious just to prove a point, even though they were terrible. I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of being right. But we both knew you were so after that I just watched and loved you for being you. How do you go on when the best part of you is ripped away?
Please be safe and happy my love. I need you so much and if you can't be with me then I need to believe that you're being protected by God.
I guess I'll try and sleep now to get ready for tomorrow. I love and miss you with all my heart.
Mike
I go from depression to anger and back and don't seem to have any other emotions. I do my best with the kids and the dog and try not to let them see me breaking down because they don't need that on top of their own grief but I don't know how to go on. When I leave a store and the cashier tells me to have a great day I cringe inside,even though I know they mean well and it's just something you say to pretty well every customer.
You always knew how to fill up the grocery cart while I walked along side you and complained until you smiled and told me just be quiet and let you do you do your thing. When I took you clothes shopping I hummed and hawed while you were in the changing room or strolling from one isle to the next looking for just the right top. I made sure you saw me roll my eyes in frustration but I loved seeing you happy when you picked something you really liked. What wouldn't I give to be walking hand in hand with you in the mall now. Or you threatening to cut up a t shirt of mine with holes that had obviously outlived it's time, so I hid it until I could bring it out again to tease you so the threats would start up again.
You were my life and everything in it and it's falling apart now. Life stinks but every morning I open my eyes and prepare for another day. It's not just that I need you to be there for me. I need to be there for you. I miss you putting your arms around me and telling me you feel safe. I miss your smell and the way your lips felt and the nicknames we had for each other, and too many other things to mention that pop into my head all through the day.
I miss you standing at the barbeque and cooking the great things you made. You wouldn't let me cook ever since I burned the ribs to charcoal 2 years ago and we still laughed about it. Me being as stubborn as I was I still ate those ribs declaring them delicious just to prove a point, even though they were terrible. I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of being right. But we both knew you were so after that I just watched and loved you for being you. How do you go on when the best part of you is ripped away?
Please be safe and happy my love. I need you so much and if you can't be with me then I need to believe that you're being protected by God.
I guess I'll try and sleep now to get ready for tomorrow. I love and miss you with all my heart.
Mike
Replies
Mike,
I have to believe that our loved ones are safe and happy under the care of God. It is us who are left to suffer with the missing, yearning and silence. Have you gone to any grief counseling? I see a grief therapist once a week and just started a group session. It helps. Just a wee bit - but at this point any relief, any understanding is a God send.
Wishing you a peaceful day.
Linda
So sorry for you having to be here with us. Your grief is so raw at this point. You do miss every little thing and will for quite some time. It eases off so you can rest a little. Just know that we are here for you and we do understand.. Hugs. rhonda
Mike I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost my husband in November last year and I can relate so much to your feelings. Sleep doesn`t come easy these days. I think of him hoping he is watching over me on a daily basis. I am hoping our pain will lesson with the passage of time. My prayers and thoughts go out to you, Hugs Lu Ann
Thank you all for your kind comments. Knowing there are caring people like you here, who are in the same position is something I think about through the day as well. It keeps me coming back and as you say, hopefully one day the grief will begin to lessen.
I don\'t think I\'ve ever said this to anyone in my life but it just feels right to say bless you all,
Mike, I remember so much of what you wrote as how I felt in the early days. I couldn\'t sleep, I\'d roam from room to room just looking, TV would be on but whatever I was looking at never sunk in. My dogs were my comfort and tears were my showers. The quiet was so loud and the emptiness was overwhelming.
I prayed for him and prayed for a sign that he was OK, disappointed and frustrated in not recieveing one. I didn\'t want to talk to anyone and would avoid answering the phone. It was one night several weeks after that I couldn\'t sleep and just needed something or someone to relate to that I stumbled on Daily Strength. A Godsend to find people who understood.
This grief process takes it\'s time and takes it\'s toll.
May God bless you this day with some peace.
Linda
At a year and a half I still have trouble sleeping. I am seldom in bed before two. I fight going to bed at night and I fight getting up in the morning. I miss him more than ever in all the little ways and in all the big ways. I fake it a lot for the kids too. They still struggle. It is hard to watch their pain. They miss most of all having a grand dad for their children. I miss that so much too. We are always going to miss them. I don\'t think that will ever change. Hopefully the pain in time will dull. I hope you find some peace in the days ahead. Hugs.