Just saving this for a future appointment
Ok so i know that we cant entirely control our emotions after all were all human and therefore flawed....But why in the hell am i allowed to float through life these last few years out of control of my emotions ENTIRELY?!!!???? This CAN NOT be any part of a "PLAN" by any means. Why are a good number of us wired to where flipping out and then suddenly coming back to reality and going through the same thing OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN on a daily basis becomes a normal lifestyle for us??? I cant stand being like this.... All i want is one week straight where i can just feel completely good about myself and the way that my life has went. Why can i not have this? Why can WE not have this?
Im trying to fight this everyday i wake up and say TODAYS THE DAY I FIGHT BACK!!! but then i walk into the bathroom and see myself in the mirror and it just simply disgusts me. I am NOT myself and whenever i feel like im getting back to me my emotions boot me in my face and land me right on my ass. Its not easy to force myself back up when it happens and this is pretty much an everyday deal..... Im just so sick of being like this and i want an out in the worst way... Im not talking suicide or anything like that BUT i am pushing myself to not think that way anymore for right now. If this psyc doc doesnt do anything for me than i dont know where the hell i'll end up MENTALLY if he turns out to be just like every other doc i have seen over the past 2 years for this issue. Example: Last night when i got home from the store i went DIRECTLY into the garage started playing some music and hits the weights pretty good then went into the house got on my fight game ( For PS Move ) I sweated my ass off and felt very good about it but then right afterwards i fell right back down and damn near broke into tears again because i thought about how hard it is staying positive nowadays. The first show since i quit wrestling was last night and one of the guys called me and invited me down and said
( Hell man even if you just wanna show up unexpected you know we'll find a spot on the show for you )
All i wanted to do all day after that was scream because the hurt inside is so bad...its not just a hurt its a longing from my heart for the love of my life that i can NEVER reconnect with. I hate it and it feels like im living within a horrible hellish dream that i cant get out of....I wish someone would slap me in the face and allow me to wake up back inside the ring...Back HOME!!!
Im trying to fight this everyday i wake up and say TODAYS THE DAY I FIGHT BACK!!! but then i walk into the bathroom and see myself in the mirror and it just simply disgusts me. I am NOT myself and whenever i feel like im getting back to me my emotions boot me in my face and land me right on my ass. Its not easy to force myself back up when it happens and this is pretty much an everyday deal..... Im just so sick of being like this and i want an out in the worst way... Im not talking suicide or anything like that BUT i am pushing myself to not think that way anymore for right now. If this psyc doc doesnt do anything for me than i dont know where the hell i'll end up MENTALLY if he turns out to be just like every other doc i have seen over the past 2 years for this issue. Example: Last night when i got home from the store i went DIRECTLY into the garage started playing some music and hits the weights pretty good then went into the house got on my fight game ( For PS Move ) I sweated my ass off and felt very good about it but then right afterwards i fell right back down and damn near broke into tears again because i thought about how hard it is staying positive nowadays. The first show since i quit wrestling was last night and one of the guys called me and invited me down and said
( Hell man even if you just wanna show up unexpected you know we'll find a spot on the show for you )
All i wanted to do all day after that was scream because the hurt inside is so bad...its not just a hurt its a longing from my heart for the love of my life that i can NEVER reconnect with. I hate it and it feels like im living within a horrible hellish dream that i cant get out of....I wish someone would slap me in the face and allow me to wake up back inside the ring...Back HOME!!!
Replies
Dear Sean... dearest, dearest Sean. I\'m am sorry for your pain. If there was something I could offer that would take this burden off your shoulders and bring you relief I would. Sometimes life, although flawed can be a great thing, or a depressing state full of dead ends, and hurt. Unfortunately for us the latter is what is our reality. Can you remember a time in which you didn\'t feel this way? Can you hold on to that thoughts and hold on to that hope a little while longer?... you never know what\'s around the corner Sean. I am sending you my hope for that pain to subside and for you to feel like you again. Hold on to that hope that keeps you going day after day. It will not be in vain... you are a rockstar Sean... many of us are here to lend our support and hope that you will find you again. Until then, know that it\'s possible to still go back to it... You\'re 28 years young, you still have time.
((HUGS))