Just sad to Day July I, 2008

           I do not have much to say to day.  I am just sad.   I do not member a time in my life where I was not sad or disappointed in my self.   Even as a 5 five year old I can remember family and people being disappointed in me because of my weight.   I was a very fat baby.   So I probably disappointed my mother and father from the begining.  Since my mother was a thin beautiful women.   She died when I was 5 years old so I grew with my father who was very over weight.    But he did not think that I needed to be over weight. I grew with very verbally and physically abuse father. So I grew up very afraid of him and fearful people in general.  He was never ever abuse in a sexual way.  He just plain mean and lazy.    He was not afraid of hitting a little girl or pulling her hair.   Or beating his children for not washing dishes or cleaning the house and worked in the garden.   He did not raise children he raised slaves.  So two years ago when i turned 36 I got some help for my weight which was about 380 pounds.    So I spent a year and a half in Therapy with a crisis couselor and a doctor learning to forgive and not hate my father and to understand now my family works.  and to forgive my self and learn to like my self.   To help dill with my problem about my weight.    But the only problem with all the couseling is that I have my lost any weight.   And Now it seem like all my doctors and couselor are mad at me and disppointed for not doing a enough to try and lose the weight.   Every time I try I fail and just get fatter.   I have go in every three months and get weighed.    I just do not know what to do.  I can,t seem to stop being hungry all the time.   Or to be able to lose any weight.  I just do not want to die this fat.   But I do no how to change it.