Just sad

I'm sad.  A lot.  I know its brain wiring and not me but that doesn't really make me FEEL better.  I love him and I want him to love only me.  I said in the very beginning I wasn't a jealous person but I was a greedy person.  If there was time for someone else, that was MY time.  I don't mind friendship, I really don't but the thought of sex with someone else kills me.  I'm dying a little bit more every day.  I wanted to grow old with this man and I don't think I'm going to get that chance.  I don't know if I can do this.  I don't know if I want to.  I'm not wrong to want him just for me.  I've gone back to the website we met on as a knee jerk response to this.  It holds zero interest to me.  I won't seek out another relationship.  I won't open myself up to be destroyed again.  I will not share my lifes joy and losses with anyone else.  I've never been good enough for anyone.  Not one of my relationships my entire life have they not cheated or left, they couldn't ALL have been poly.  I go from crying to numb to extreme destructive anger.  He tries, he really does try to be attentive.  Only recently though.  He would be affectionate after we'd been out with her but that just makes me feel more like a fucking recepticle.  Someone else worked him up and I'm an outlet for the left over affection.  Most of the time I feel like the provider of groceries, dinner and cleaning.  A safety net.  Someone he has so he doesn't have to take care of himself.  I feel convenient.