Just Pondering A Few Things

I just don't know anymore. Of course, logically I should have come to this conclusion a VERY long Time ago ! But the Heart wants what the Heart wants, and more often than not what it wants is NOT LOGICAL in the least ! I don't know how much longer I can pretend to MYSELF that Things are going to " SOMEHOW " work out between Myself, and My BF. I've realized MORE AND MORE lately, that that's what I've been doing. I've been fooling Myself, pretty much.... just going along Day After Day... walking around with Blinders on, and HOPING BEYOND HOPE that SOMEHOW THINGS WILL CHANGE ! Well.... the Way Things have been so UP AND DOWN - BACK AND FORTH - between Him and I lately, I've been seeing more Every Day how BLIND AND STUPID I've been about the Entire Situation ! WHY did I keep taking Him BACK SO MANY TIMES, when somewhere deep inside Myself I knew that EVERYTHING would just happen ALL OVER AGAIN.... AND IT HAS... IT HAS EVERY TIME I'VE TAKEN HIM BACK ! ALL OF THIS makes the Suggestion FROM HIM for " US " to get CABLE TV seem completely RIDICULOUS ! OF COURSE, I'd LOVE to have CABLE TV - AND High Speed Internet, BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN HE'S GONE ????? WHAT WOULD I DO WHEN HE ENDS UP LEAVING ME FOR SOME SLUT HE'S MET ONLINE, AND THEN I'D BE STUCK WITH THE NEW MONTHLY BILLS.... WITH NO WAY TO PAY THEM !!!!!??!!!!!I'm positive that He hasn't figured out yet that that's why I've prolonged getting those Things for so long. He thinks it's only been because of the Bills We've had. He hasn't seen the FACT that I've been thinking ahead to what MAY HAPPEN in the Future ! IF I do decide to get those things - ( probably going with ONE of those Deals where Your Digital Phone Service, High Speed Internet, and Cable TV, are ALL on ONE Monthly Bill ), then I'll HAVE TO BE ABSOLUTELY SURE FIRST that I'd be able to Pay ALL of My Monthly Bills - WITH that One Included - FIRST !!!!!All of this is sort of beside the point for now anyways..... I'm FED UP with His WAYS ! I'm FED UP with Him THINKING that it's PERFECTLY OKAY for Him to FLIRT WITH LOTS OF DIFFERENT WOMEN ONLINE !!!!! Just This Morning, for example, He must have spent about 3 HOURS Chatting with some Woman Online ! I asked WHO He was chatting with, but all He would say was that it was Someone NEW ! He must have been having FUN, since He was SMILING A LOT while He was IMing Her ! Tell Me... " What Woman wouldn't be Suspicious about THAT ?! "But it's NOT JUST THE WHOLE COMPUTER / INTERNET ISSUE, of course, because ALSO it's HIS RAGE.... HIS MOODS... HIS CONTROLLING WAYS... HIS COLDNESS DURING ONE OF HIS MANY RAGING FITS.... AND HIS OVERALL ATTITUDE THAT ONLY HIS NEEDS... HIS WANTS... ARE WHAT REALLY COUNTS - that last One isn't ALWAYS how He acts, BUT He has that attitude TOO OFTEN ! HOW CAN ANYONE LIVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT, AND BE TRULY HAPPY ???? NOT ME... it seems, because I haven't been too happy lately..... ONLY sporadically, whenever He decides to be in a " GOOD MOOD ", and be NICE to Me for a Change ! IF I could COUNT ON HIS GOOD MOOD to STAY FOR A LONG WHILE, then that'd be a Different Story ! BUT His Moods change as quickly, and as unpredictably as the Winds, sometimes ! So many Days have started Off WONDERFULLY, but far too soon ALL OF THAT CHANGES in an INSTANT - almost at the Snap of a Finger, it seems ! What do I do ????? I know LOGICALLY what to do... I'm just STILL TRYING to build up My Inner Strength to do it.... to have the STRENGTH to OVERCOME My Illogical Heart !