Just Plain Sad...and, Tired...and, Old...
...have just been in a bad spot, the last 2 weeks...well, most of this mo., maybe.Seems, we all have been together, continuously, for a while, now & the strain is starting to fray on us...plus, the weather has turned back from its 55 degrees and lowered to 20 or 40+...the poor plants are taking some hit points...the air is absolutely alive with boiling white-gray clouds...sometimes, it snows...sometimes, the wind is like icewater...the sun peeks out for a bit and it hails...or, rains.... Last few weeks, I still can't sleep...I feel I should be doing something more about getting a new job...I make calls, put out all the letter/resume/form-filling stuff, try to sound clear and upbeat when I speak w/people...and, no one replies...I am up until 5:30, sometimes, just trying to figure out how to make the changes more positive...I come up w/no results...I see yutzes on tv making six- and seven-figure incomes by being offensive and "well-dressed"...hell, why didn't I think of that? Didn't get to sleep until 6:00, this A.M. Heard Mom coughing & finally giving up to stay up...she's been on some new heart meds...they help the beat irregularities, but make her very tired...so much so that she's had a slight relapse from that cold in Nov. I wake up wondering...is she still alive? When I kiss her goodnight, I wonder: will I see her, again, tomorrow, to say good morning? My Dad shuns everything by getting up and walking away...even when my Mom's trying to talk to him. Doesn't even have to be an "uncomfortable" topic, any more. My sis lost it, this A.M. and did the same...I heard swearing, ugly laughter and a lot of yelling...she has never forgiven my Mom, for trying to help her out of her depression...and since she hasn't made much outside progress, since then, she takes it out on Mom and says it's all her fault that she's not "successful." Well, her yelling got me up. By the time I came out, it was over. My Mom was resolute, but the wounds on the inside were clearly visible, on the outside, if you know what I mean...I felt that urge--and I don't get it, often--to wring sis' neck. My Mom made me promise not to talk about it, or let on (hell, how could I have not noticed, w/that kind of language?), but Mom and I talked, later, about the poorer materials that people are sometimes "made out of." She insists that she's been a bad mother and done a crappy job...I insist that she hasn't. How I wish that I could truly make her believe me, and set her free...no one deserves to be continually punished and emotionally neglected the way this woman has...but, she won't listen to me...apparently, she feels it's all her fault... Times like this, I doubt that even God would want to get involved...with people on the other side of the globe getting shot up and maimed, this would truly seem like small potatoes, by comparison...but, it's not small when you get up close and personal to a problem like this, is it? Last night, I sat in the evening w/the cat and let the wind wash over me, and just prayed...instead of helping, though, things just seem to be getting darker for my family...it grives me, so. I can't help fix anything...I can't even fix myself. What more should I be doing?
Replies