Just not Good enough.

It's been a long time since I've been here.  I'm just struggling so hard right now and I don't really have anywhere to turn.  I left my now ex husband last November.  Our divorce was finalize in Feb.  I ended up getting back together with an ex boyfriend that I had known since I was 20 (I'm 33 now).  After 6 months we split.  I was under the impression it was because he wanted to move in and get married and I just didn't want to; however, that's not the story he spins to his friends and apparently I'm just toxic and childish and did nothing but bring him down.  I feel like I can't bring anyone into my chaos.  Not even friends.  Unfortunately, I'm an extrovert and have a need to be around others and get out and have fun.  Right now I'm stuck in this cycle of taking care of the kids and working all week and then they go to their dads houses and I work even more.  I get out every once in a while but I only pick people I know who aren't looking to really have anything serious.  The thought of getting close to someone and getting hurt again is too much.  It just can' t happen.  But I'm burnt.  To the point of wanting to hand my kids off to my ex husbands and move out of state.  I feel like the kids would be happier, their dads would be happier, and I wouldn't bring anyone else down.  I know that it would crush my kids if I did that so I couldn't, but it's a constantly running thought in my head.  Especially when I have bad days like today when my youngest son (who is extremely high needs) has multiple melt downs and I feel like I'm just failing left and right as a mom.  I can't even hold on to friends and I don't have anyone that I feel close to.  I'm super lonely and sad and angry all the time.  I've lost my motivation to do anything with my life and now just want to make enough money to pay my bills.  I don't have the power inside to even take care of myself.  I'm a certified health coach, I know what I should be eating to feel better and have more energy but I just don't care enough to do it.  I know what supplements to take that will snap me out of this, I even have them in my fridge but I feel like I don't deserve to feel better because I'm just a bad person.  I wouldn't say I want to die but I can definitely say I wouldn't fight to live if something were to happen.  I just feel like I can get my shit together but I can't ever seem to keep it together.  Every time it falls apart it's just so hard on my kids and anyone who managed to get even remotely close to me.  It's just all so stupid.  To have people who you once loved with all your heart think that you're a piece of shit it's too much.  It's too painful.