just need to talk to someone.
heres a little about me i was diagnosed this year with endo after about 6 years (give or take) of suffering with the symptoms and no one doing a damn thing for me. now im 20 had surgery in april which did nothing for me) and am currently waiting on my lupron to come in (that has taken over 4 months and counting).
this year hasnt been my year. it started out great the guy of my dreams and i finally started seriously dating after 3 years of being off and on. but after that its been nothing but shit. the end of january i lost my job because the store closed in february i was schedualed to have my 1st lap. well the dr didnt listen to me when i said i was nervous ended up not sleeping the night before because i had a massive panic atack. when i got there everything just got worse. i told the nurse i was nervous and she said id be fine. well i wasnt when she was putting in the iv i passed out, woke up for a second and then i guess passed back out and had a seizure. well obviously my surgery was cancled. they kept me for a few hours fed me hydrated me and sent e on my way. they scheduled me any appointments and after that we rescheduled surgery. this time i was supposed to wait until late may. in the middle of april i couldnt stand the pain anymore. i called and told the nurse how much pain i was in and they scheduled me an emergency surgery. this time they put me on a pill that is similar to vallume and sent me in. surgery went well and whatever she got out what she could and made my follow up appoimtments.
when i finally see her for my post op she tells me that she would like me to go onto lupron so i put in all of my paperwork into the financial aid program and she said she would get in touch with me. a month later still nothing. so i call and she has heard nothing. wait 2 more weeks and call again still nothing finally after waiting like idk 3 months she tells me that its finally on its way. 2 weeks later its still not in. she calls me last week and informs me that oh the company has lost my information and everything needs to be refaxed and the info needs to be redone and reprocessed and all that happy horse shit.. in the mean time i have been bleeding for 31 days and counting and the nurses in my local clinic and hospital are trying to tell me that its normal?!?!?! WTF no its not anything that bleeds that long should be dead.
so not only have i been going thru all of this medical stuff i went from january to july with out pay because i couldnt work because it took for ever to actually go thru with the surgery and then recover from it. but i have been kicked out of my mothers house 3 times my credit has gone down the shitter and my brother died a month ago yesterday. i dont have money because i have a part time job i only have a part time job because i dont have a car i dont have a car because i dont have a license i dont have a license because i dont have a car to practice on i dont hae a car to practice on because i cant get a loan i cant get a loan cuz i have shitty credit i have shitty credit because i went 7 months without pay do you get the pattern??
so again not only that but i got into a huge fight with my mother tonight and im pretty sure we arent going to talk again. which you know honestly if i didnt have younger siblings i wouldnt care at all but i have already lost one of my big brothers i dont want to lose my little one too or my little sister. im devastated. my little brother is like my world. i cant lose 2 brothers in a months span. i just cant. im still an emotional wreck from losing steven. he was like my best friend. we were really close. it wasnt even like i had had him around all of my life i had just recently in the last 6 years gotten to know him and we had finally built the brother sister relationship that we had both wanted and now he is gone. taken away from me and ill never see him again.
i am losing everything around me and getting stuck further and further in this rut and i dont know how to handle it :'(
this year hasnt been my year. it started out great the guy of my dreams and i finally started seriously dating after 3 years of being off and on. but after that its been nothing but shit. the end of january i lost my job because the store closed in february i was schedualed to have my 1st lap. well the dr didnt listen to me when i said i was nervous ended up not sleeping the night before because i had a massive panic atack. when i got there everything just got worse. i told the nurse i was nervous and she said id be fine. well i wasnt when she was putting in the iv i passed out, woke up for a second and then i guess passed back out and had a seizure. well obviously my surgery was cancled. they kept me for a few hours fed me hydrated me and sent e on my way. they scheduled me any appointments and after that we rescheduled surgery. this time i was supposed to wait until late may. in the middle of april i couldnt stand the pain anymore. i called and told the nurse how much pain i was in and they scheduled me an emergency surgery. this time they put me on a pill that is similar to vallume and sent me in. surgery went well and whatever she got out what she could and made my follow up appoimtments.
when i finally see her for my post op she tells me that she would like me to go onto lupron so i put in all of my paperwork into the financial aid program and she said she would get in touch with me. a month later still nothing. so i call and she has heard nothing. wait 2 more weeks and call again still nothing finally after waiting like idk 3 months she tells me that its finally on its way. 2 weeks later its still not in. she calls me last week and informs me that oh the company has lost my information and everything needs to be refaxed and the info needs to be redone and reprocessed and all that happy horse shit.. in the mean time i have been bleeding for 31 days and counting and the nurses in my local clinic and hospital are trying to tell me that its normal?!?!?! WTF no its not anything that bleeds that long should be dead.
so not only have i been going thru all of this medical stuff i went from january to july with out pay because i couldnt work because it took for ever to actually go thru with the surgery and then recover from it. but i have been kicked out of my mothers house 3 times my credit has gone down the shitter and my brother died a month ago yesterday. i dont have money because i have a part time job i only have a part time job because i dont have a car i dont have a car because i dont have a license i dont have a license because i dont have a car to practice on i dont hae a car to practice on because i cant get a loan i cant get a loan cuz i have shitty credit i have shitty credit because i went 7 months without pay do you get the pattern??
so again not only that but i got into a huge fight with my mother tonight and im pretty sure we arent going to talk again. which you know honestly if i didnt have younger siblings i wouldnt care at all but i have already lost one of my big brothers i dont want to lose my little one too or my little sister. im devastated. my little brother is like my world. i cant lose 2 brothers in a months span. i just cant. im still an emotional wreck from losing steven. he was like my best friend. we were really close. it wasnt even like i had had him around all of my life i had just recently in the last 6 years gotten to know him and we had finally built the brother sister relationship that we had both wanted and now he is gone. taken away from me and ill never see him again.
i am losing everything around me and getting stuck further and further in this rut and i dont know how to handle it :'(
Replies
Hi Ronnilz, I read your journal entry and It is so devastating. I am so sorry for everything you have been through, and all that you have to deal with. Its really not fair, and I can\'t imagine going through all of that. You seem very strong though that you can express how you feel, I know many people (like me) would bury it all inside, which is the worst thing you can do. I hope that things have gotten better this month for you. At least you have found the guy of your dreams to help you through all of this. I was in a very similar situation as you with the Endo. I had to wait months before surgery and in the mean time could barely work..I babysat in the morning and would sleep the rest of the day (if i could) because of the pain. It\'s one of the worst conditions a girl could ever have. I hope yours has gotten at least a little better since your last journal entry. BTW- I just got my license too, so please dont feel bad, I am 20 and it was humiliating that my Fiance had to teach me to drive.I know everything will fall in to place for you, just keep doing your best and keep your head up!
thank you Sarah0221 things really havent gotten much better. im still trying to get everything situated and get my lisence and everything. i have to talk of i just sleep and cry i cant take it. all i want to do is sleep. i honestly dont think i am strong enough to do all of this. i feel my strength lessen and lessen by the day. it gets harder and harder to put on my mask and fce the world. i scared that one day ill wake up and i wont be able to anymore. i wish that something good would happen so that maybe i could get a little hope to continue on but right now all i see is a dark dark tunnel that just keeps going and going
Believe me I know how you feel...for months and months all I wanted to do was sleep and sleep, it seemed like the only pleasurable thing..everything else was just a constant,hard struggle.Have you gotten your Thyroid checked? I found out I have low thyroid a few months ago and it is really common when you have Endo. having low thyroid makes you extremely fatigued,tired and depressed along with a whole bunch of other problems. After about a month on the medication I felt a lot better and more positive. I think a lot of what you are feeling though is the loss of your brother...a loss like that takes a long time to heal, especially since you two were so close..and it will get better, trust me. Everything seems horrible right now and just keeps getting worse, but there will be a breakthrough and things WILL get better..I\'m sure of it. I believe God puts us in hard times to make us stronger,and wiser too, so that we can help others.If God thought you couldn\'t handle what you are going through,he wouldn\'t have let it happen. When I got my license my whole world changed, I felt so proud of myself and I still do, because I thought I might not ever get it,that I was a loser,and a scardey cat..but I made myself step up to the plate and put aside all my physical and mental pain and just do it because I knew it would make a big difference in my life (even though I\'m yet to have a car,lol) Have you considered having a driver instructor teach you? Its not that expensive and they dont need to teach you long for you to learn.I\'m sure that your boyfriend is pretty supportive right? Its good to open up to the ones we love. I think therapy would be really good for you to try too, I did it for one session and I thought it wouldnt help but I actually started crying and telling the therapist everything..and it helped a lot. I don\'t continue to go bcs I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and am now on mood-stabilizers/anti-depressant. and Even still Its a daily struggle sometimes to even get out of bed, but overall I do feel more positive and hopeful. I\'m learning that when you really push on and trust in God for things to get better,they slowly do,but when you sulk in misery things usually only get worse. Being Happy isn\'t easy, I know, esp. in your situation..but you just have to keep remembering that God is going to turn things around for you,and things are going to work out for the better.
i havent gotten my thyroid checked in a while. not in yeas. naturally there would be more issues because off endo.... do you know how sick of endo i am??????? it would make sense tho... altho wth the death of my brother and all of the other deaths could be a big part of the problem.. i feel like it will never get better... i start to feel better and then something happens and i get knocked right back to where i was. i wish things would just get better now. i cant take any more and i know that God only gives you what you can hanle but i question the big guy on if i can really handle it. i just dont understand... when it rains it pours and thats all its done all year.... i cant get a loan or a credit card or anything i live paycheck to paycheck and i cant save any money becave use i hardly make enough money for everything that needs to be paid its like come on just give me a little break... i can afford lessons. i know how i am just anxious about like all the round abouts in town. we have like 6 huge ajor ones that are impossible to avoid no matter how hard you try. i also really cant afford therapy i dont have insurance or extra money. i know that some places offer it for free but then it is back to well i dont have a car or license. im hopless and i cant do anything for me. it sucks big time.
Maybe a family member could take you to a free therapy session? Maybe you could try to get into school with financial aide? God is with you always, whether you can tell right now or not, I understand you questioning Him who wouldnt in your situation? Everybody doubts there faith every now and then. but God wants you to keep pushing forward, as hard as it can be...he will reward you and things will get better and you will be able to do things for you. Maybe not right now, but soon I\'m sure. Have you considered going to Church? I dont know if you go or not, but it always really helps and puts you in the right state of mind. I went to youth group tonight for the first time and it made a world of a difference for me...there are people out there that care and wont let you down, sometimes it just can be hard to find them. I think if you surround yourself with more people, and become friends, they can help you achieve your goals and be there for you when you need them. Just some things to consider.
I went to cosmetology school I am trying to find a job in that field , I used to go but I haven\'t had the time I work Sundays and I haven\'t found the right place for me yet.