just my thought, kind of long.

Have you ever wanted to die but be alive at the same time?A past you wish you could hide?And a future you wish you could run to?But is that possible?Possible to kill half of you while the other half moves forward?Sometimes I think it's not.Sometimes I think when people kill themselves that's what they are trying to do.To kill their past.Is dying sacrifice they are willing to take?Or do they see it as there only option?Sometimes I see it as my only option.To make the images stop.But to die isn't my choice to make or anyone else’s for that matter.Sometimes I think there are other way's to kill your past without killing yourself.But those ways seem to be harder.More painful.And haven’t we suffered enough?But this pain is different.It's pain from healing.From understanding and excepting your past.But that isn't easy.No.We try and put the blame where it belongs.To know it wasn't our fault.That we didn't enjoy it.To say, yes I was the victim and he did wrong.To outsiders that seems so easy.Easy to see who went wrong.But they weren't there.They don't know.Sometimes it's easier to say you made it up.To make it go away.I’ve thought about it.But I think that would almost be harder to deal with.But why is something worth fighting for when no one believes you?Is it worth getting the truth out?Is it worth feeling ashamed?Feeling alone?An outsider, even to your own family?Getting mocking looks from those who hurt you?Feeling depressed?Hating your body?The way you look?It is worth hurting yourself to make it go away?I honestly don't know.Maybe I should have left the house?Maybe I should have been stronger?Confronted my parents more about how i felt?OrMaybe they should have understood?Never asked me to work it out with Mason.To deny my counseling.To allow him to stay with us.But what about the others?Why don't I hate them like I do him?The little girl.Do I name her one of them?Did she even know better?We were young 5 maybe.She pushed me on her bed and kissed me till I was able to push her off.So do I name her one of them?What about Luke?Did he actually try anything?IDK.That bothers me a lot.I know he wanted to.He would come to me naked.But did I ever allow him?I recall one time, but I don't know if it's real.It seems so real.He was behind me and I was on my hands and knees.I don't think anything happened but for some reason I do.And what about the two friends?One in my class and the other is his brother, a few years older.What would we call what they did?We went to down to the creek to go swimming.They said they would pay me if I allowed them.It was only touching.Touching everywhere.But what about the fact Luke was there?Why don't I hate them?Was it cuz it was for them only once?For the little girl, one time.For the friends, one time.For Luke, idk. Maybe the fact I can't remember?But know something happened.Even if it was only once.But for the friends, im still close friends with them.With them and their family.So again why don't I hate any of them?But fathom such hatred for Mason?These questions bother me.Idk if they will ever be answered.So in all of this, I believe to kill your past you must love yourself and all that you are.To be kind to yourself.Respect yourself.To create a future you can be proud of. And have the life you always dreamed of.