Just Me--Thinking outloud

I have been here on DS for over 10 yrs.  Coming from a past like mine, it' not easy to just put everything behind and forget.  Some people can block things in their minds and not remember.  I can't do that.  There are things that "trigger me" from my past.  Things from my first marriage and how I was treated, things from my biker life, playing in taverns, bars, and tack lounges as much as 6 nights a week.  The people I physically and emotionally hurt during those years running with bikers.  How I affected my parents and isolated myself from family members.

My mom and dad are passed now, all of my half-brothers and sisters have passed.  Only my twin brother and older sister are left.  My twin and I are not close and never have been.  He was always the "good kid" and I was "the rebel" in our family. My twin brother has been in my home, maybe 3 times in 10 yrs.  My sister has never been here but, she is in a nursing home now, and has been for 8 yrs.

I often wonder why I stay here on DS.  Friends here have left.  Friends who are on my wall, seldom contact me.  Some have turned against me even though I tried to support them and even opened my life to them.  Chat is gone, pictures are gone, and it's just not the same. I stay because I still feel maybe, I can help someone or encourage someone that are going through hard times.  I know about hard times.  I've lost a home in a fire, went through divorce, lost my job after 20 yrs., had a finger cut off and re-attached, crushed my left hand and had steel pins in it for 5-1/2 months,  been stabbed, a bullet hole in my leg, my tongue was almost severed twice, had a screwdriver ran completely through my hand,  had a nervous breakdown, dealt with depression, lost a son in a car accident and been through hell with the biker lifestyle I chose for years. I have seen things and been around things that would give most people nightmares yet, I am still here.  I try to be the friend, I never had when I was going through some of the hardest times in my life.  Sometimes, my intentions are taken wrong but, that's ok.  I know who I am and yes, maybe I am a bit "different" but, I've found out being "different" ain't all that bad some times. I purposely hurt no-one, I judge no-one and I never look down on anyone. I am just me and as that old song says "I am what I am, not what you want me to be"!!!!!!