Just Me Again
Monday, February 8, 2010 – 10:40 AM It seems as though almost everything in my life has gotten out of whack for one reason or another. Maybe this is a good thing in some ways. Nothing of any major consequence has happened, but at the same time, I am feeling very depressed and do not see any signs that this is going to change for the better any time soon. Although my brother called me a few weeks ago, I still do not feel as though I have a very good relationship with him. When we were both seeing my mental health therapist together, there was a time when I had some hope that maybe we were clearing up some issues from our past, which would enable us to see one another more often. Unfortunately, that has not turned out to be the case. I am trying to reconcile myself to the fact that it is becoming more unlikely that we will ever be as close as I would like. Part of me can accept that, but another part of me wants the two of us to be closer. I am having an internal struggle trying to decide how important this really is to me. I am getting closer to the point where I think that it might just be easier to give it up. On Friday, I had a therapy session with Dale. He wants me to contact my brother and see if he would be willing to meet with me for another counseling session later this month. I agreed to do that even though I have just about given up any hope that things will get better between my brother and me. Dale says that he wants to know how my brother feels about our relationship. I told him that I feel very strongly about the old saying to the effect that "Actions speak louder than words," and based on that, I really do not think that my brother intends to get closer to me. My sister called me Saturday night. I do not think there was any special reason for her call other than the fact that she usually contacts me at least once a week to make sure that I am doing okay. Although I like to hear from her, it usually means I am going to have to sit through spending about an hour listening to her tell me what has been going on in her life. I do not really mind that other than the fact that she always talks about her friends (most of whom I do not know) as well as whatever problems she has been having with her family. This week her call also included the fact that she has had to replace the furnace in her house. Dale had suggested that I needed to ask my sister to come visit me. I gave that a shot, and while she did not quite refuse, she said that she would have to see how the weather was before making any decisions about what to do this week. Hearing that reinforced my feelings that she cares more about her friends than she does me. It began snowing last night, and I'm quite sure that it is going to play havoc with my plans for the week. By the time the snow stops, we are supposed to have between 4 to 6 inches of it. I am supposed to see Dr. Martin tomorrow, but do not think I will be able to keep the appointment because of the snow. I am going to call her today and see if we can have my session by telephone instead of my going there. We did this one other time and it worked out quite well. On Wednesday afternoon, I'm scheduled to begin having some physical therapy because of my back pain. I intend to keep that appointment even if I have to go by dog sled. I have had more pain than usual during the past week, and have had to increase the amount of pain medication I take because of that. The instructions on my bottle of Percocet say for me to take one or two pills four times a day. When my home healthcare nurse came to see me this morning, I questioned her about this because I wanted to make sure that taking two pills at a time would not cause me to have an overdose. She assured me that it was safe for me to take that amount. In spite of that, I am trying not to take more than one pill at a time (with a maximum of three pills a day) unless my pain becomes almost unbearable.