Just keep swimming

I rarely randomly post, but I'm going to do that today. People keep asking me how do I do it? How do I keep keeping on with everything that I'm going through? First, I always remind myself that there are many people in this world that have much bigger problems than I. They have problems that are beyond my scope of understanding, crushing burdens that I can't even imagine. Still, it's a valid question. The past six months have been especially hard and I have been amazed that I haven't gotten sick , had some kind of a breakdown, collapsed into a blubbering mess of tears, or just simply sunk into a depression. Besides Dave, I've had other issues in my family this year that have demanded a nearly equal amount of my time, attention, and devotion. This has been one tough year! It's tested my mettle and I've somehow stood up to the test. I have found that surprising. Why? Because I've had a pretty cushy life , I must admit . Oh sure, I've had my fair share of bad times and hard times just like everyone else , but overall my life has been pretty easy. I've had mostly good health, I have a home, a good job, and a wonderful family and friends. In other words, I've had nothing happen in my life to prepare me for the trials that I've faced this year.

Anyway, tonight, my sister-in-law texted, "I don't know how you do it". For some reason, I tested back to her, "I just keep swimming". Obviously, this was a nod to Dori/Nemo but it's not something that I've ever said before or something that I've ever even thought about. It came totally out of the blue. Maybe, because of that, I started thinking about it on my drive home from work. Just keep swimming. It seems that I remember reading or seeing on television something about some species of sharks that have to keep swimming or they die . So, of course, when I got home I looked it up. Indeed, there are a few species of sharks, called obligate ram ventilators, that have to continue to swim or they will die . Among them are the Great White, Maco, and whale shark. Now, I'm not comparing myself to a shark. I'm a top predator, sure, but I'm not an eating, breeding machine. Like the shark, though, my survival instinct is strong, but there's more to it than that. I think we swim because we are needed, and hopefully, loved. Bob Marley said, you never know how strong you can be until being strong is your only choice. We have to be strong for those who need us, for those who love us, for those who depend on us. In these times we reach deep down and draw upon parts of ourselves that we never even knew existed. I think that's the true reason that we just keep swimming.

I wrote the above before Dave died, during one of his hospital stays because of the lovely side effects of cancer. Probably blood clots. I don't even really remember anymore. I was going to post it on Facebook, but I never did because it seemed long and rambling and I'm not a big Facebook person anyway. I read it to Dave and he loved it! He began to use the expression regularly, telling people that he just kept swimming. Now that he's gone. It takes on a whole new meaning. I no longer swim for him. Now I am like the shark, swimming for my own survival, and the current is even stronger. Before he died, I had a reason to swim so hard against the current. There was something tangible at the end, a destination. I was swimming to beat the cancer, bring him home, make him well, to keep him! Now, I feel like I'm swimming into the abyss. It's dark and scary and cold and lonely. I get tired sometimes and I just want to stop, but that basic survival instinct just keeps kicking in. I won't stop. I will keep swimming, because I know that the current will change direction and eventually take me up toward the light instead of down into the dark. The black water will eventually turn to a dark indigo, then teal. Dark turquoise will be next and it will continue to lighten until it eventually transitions into a beautiful aqua blue and I will see the sun beams shining through it. How I long to see the sunbeams and that crystal water again! I don't kid myself that it's going to be an easy swim, for the water is deep and the current continues to fight me. I have to take it one day at a time, one color at a time. I will keep swimming and, for now, just look out for that trace of indigo.