Just keep going along...
It's been a rough few weeks (who am I kidding it's been a rough almost 10 months), but after 2 1/2 weeks off of work and the first vacation I've had without worry (other than normal Mom worry) since before Randy got sick 4 years ago, I feel rested but I'm still feeling so sad and confused. It was a very nice vacation but I feel like I still don't know what to do with myself. I did alot of thinking, trying to figure out my life. The sad ... I get. I'll miss Randy for the rest of my life, it's the confused I don't know how to handle. What am I supposed to do now, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? All our plans... gone. Me... gone. I thought I knew who I was. I guess I didn't realize how much Randy was a part of who I was. Does that make sense?
I wish this wasn't so hard, some days I'm not sure I can ever figure this out. But then I think of my hubby and somehow he still gives me strength and I try to go on. I know he wouldn't want me to give up. It's just that for so long I functioned as a team with Randy. Raising three children and being a working Mom we had to work together. Every thought in my head during our marriage had him in my head, no decision was made alone. Even dinner was a joint effort, now it's so much a chore.
Time ... everyone says it gets easier. I haven't found that yet. Some days are okay (by that I mean I didn't cry), easier, no. My life is certainly different and I am trying to fill my days. Sometimes too much, like the more I do, the less I'll hurt. It doesn't work! I just exhaust myself and worry my kids.
So I figure I'll just keep going along, one foot in front of the other, missing my hubby so much, every day, every hour, every minute...
I wish this wasn't so hard, some days I'm not sure I can ever figure this out. But then I think of my hubby and somehow he still gives me strength and I try to go on. I know he wouldn't want me to give up. It's just that for so long I functioned as a team with Randy. Raising three children and being a working Mom we had to work together. Every thought in my head during our marriage had him in my head, no decision was made alone. Even dinner was a joint effort, now it's so much a chore.
Time ... everyone says it gets easier. I haven't found that yet. Some days are okay (by that I mean I didn't cry), easier, no. My life is certainly different and I am trying to fill my days. Sometimes too much, like the more I do, the less I'll hurt. It doesn't work! I just exhaust myself and worry my kids.
So I figure I'll just keep going along, one foot in front of the other, missing my hubby so much, every day, every hour, every minute...
Replies
It\'s the harsh reality that we\'re no longer part of a team. We just need to move ahead and maybe our time will come again. Our time to find happiness and peace. Hugs to you. Kip.
Oh yes it is so tough. I too had a 2 week vacation, my first in a long time. Mixed blessing. I needed it...but thoughts of my future are tough. You are still in the early stages. I was unable to even think.....until my 22 month mark..and then...it\'s just a start. Be kind to yourself. Much caring, Kathy
Hi Dawn...I feel like you do. Time has not really made anything easier yet for me either. When will that ever happen? I am starting to doubt the \"time heals\" theory. I am glad that you got some vacation time and you are feeling rested. I hope that the upcoming seconds, minutes, hours, days etc. will bring you some peace. Hang in there... Nancy
Dawn,
I feel so much like you do. I know what you mean about being part of a team - and now you don\'t know what to do, where to go, where to even start to plan anything. Mark and I were partners - we made decisions together, we went everywhere together, we talked about everything together - we planned dinner together. I\'m at 2 months now and I\'m lost trying to do things without my partner. And I don\'t have to tell you how much I hate it !!!
Right now, I can\'t think or make plans for the rest of my life - because the idea of the rest of my life without Mark is just a bit difficult for me to swallow right now. So, I think about today - and take baby steps into tomorrow.......I\'ve decided that\'s all I can do right now, and all I can do........is all I can do.
Wishing you a good day. Hugs to you,
Chris
MY dear friend Dawn we all here have made a special connection with each other we all here have alot in common,we all have become a family of good,loving and careing people, like our own.our connection here is a very special one,some times when i am typing away here i can sense what the other person is feeling that is very special to me and i think u have felt this way also.
When i am at my worst and feeling that i am not moving forward with my life and i just keep on turning back to feb 12 09 i stop myself and think i am not alone in this and besides turning to my family for support i can turn to my good friends here even though i can not see or here u guys i can feel that our friends will not let us fall,and if we fall down as we all have in this jorney they will be there to pick us up and point us the right way and give us there support and love without any questions,do not give up you will be able to move on,nobody knows when but u will,i will we all here will be able to move forward in our lives.
HAVE A VERY NICE WEEKEND HUGS TO U DANNY
It is just that, my dear friend, moving one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. BIG HUGS and BIG PRAYERS. Hugs, Sue