Just keep going along...

It's been a rough few weeks (who am I kidding it's been a rough almost 10 months), but after 2 1/2 weeks off of work and the first vacation I've had without worry (other than normal Mom worry) since before Randy got sick 4 years ago, I feel rested but I'm still feeling so sad and confused.  It was a very nice vacation but I feel like I still don't know what to do with myself.  I did alot of thinking, trying to figure out my life.  The sad ... I get.  I'll miss Randy for the rest of my life, it's the confused I don't know how to handle.  What am I supposed to do now, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life?  All our plans... gone.  Me... gone.   I thought I knew who I was.  I guess I didn't realize how much Randy was a part of who I was.  Does that make sense? 
I wish this wasn't so hard, some days I'm not sure I can ever figure this out.  But then I think of my hubby and somehow he still gives me strength and I try to go on.  I know he wouldn't want me to give up.  It's just that for so long I functioned as a team with Randy.  Raising three children and being a working Mom we had to work together.  Every thought in my head during our marriage had him in my head, no decision was made alone.  Even dinner was a joint effort, now it's so much a chore.
Time ... everyone says it gets easier.  I haven't found that yet.  Some days are okay (by that I mean I didn't cry), easier, no.  My life is certainly different and I am trying to fill my days.  Sometimes too much, like the more I do, the less I'll hurt.  It doesn't work!  I just exhaust myself and worry my kids. 
So I figure I'll just keep going along, one foot in front of the other, missing my hubby so much, every day, every hour, every minute...