Just in Survival Mode.
When does life go from just trying to survive to ACTUALLY LIVING AGAIN? Alot of people tell me how great i'm doing and how great I look all the time. I work at my son's school and alot of the parent's have said we didn't even know you were going through anything so painful because your always smiling and look so put together. Plus i'm always laughing and joking around with the kids so no one new except a few of my friends there.
Sometimes I feel like a big FRAUD like i'm putting on this act at work then I come home spent time with my little boy tuck him in bed and then......... Here come the tears and the prayers and of course the swearing and cursing him out in my pillow or shower. Everyday everyone tells me wow your doing so good??????? But what they see isn't really me because I feel like i'm faking my way through. I WANT TO REALLY FEEL THE WAY THEY SEE ME. I want to feel STRONG, SECURE, HAPPY AND CONFIDENT AGAIN. Sometimes I can't even breathe it seems. I have lost a bunch of weight and i'm in my " skinny clothes again" I thought that would help my self esteem and confidence but now i'm worried I won't have any money for new clothes.
I just LOVED him for so long I put all my heart and soul into my marriage and family. I put all of me into it and now I don't see me anymore just a shell of the woman I used to be. I know she's in here somewhere can't wait to see that happy, bubbly, laughing from the gut girl again. For now I guess I will just have to make do with " fake it til I make it" girl instead. Atleast I get up and go to work and look good doing it. Hopefully one day MY INSIDE WILL MATCH MY OUTSIDE.
Sometimes I feel like a big FRAUD like i'm putting on this act at work then I come home spent time with my little boy tuck him in bed and then......... Here come the tears and the prayers and of course the swearing and cursing him out in my pillow or shower. Everyday everyone tells me wow your doing so good??????? But what they see isn't really me because I feel like i'm faking my way through. I WANT TO REALLY FEEL THE WAY THEY SEE ME. I want to feel STRONG, SECURE, HAPPY AND CONFIDENT AGAIN. Sometimes I can't even breathe it seems. I have lost a bunch of weight and i'm in my " skinny clothes again" I thought that would help my self esteem and confidence but now i'm worried I won't have any money for new clothes.
I just LOVED him for so long I put all my heart and soul into my marriage and family. I put all of me into it and now I don't see me anymore just a shell of the woman I used to be. I know she's in here somewhere can't wait to see that happy, bubbly, laughing from the gut girl again. For now I guess I will just have to make do with " fake it til I make it" girl instead. Atleast I get up and go to work and look good doing it. Hopefully one day MY INSIDE WILL MATCH MY OUTSIDE.
Replies
I completely relate. One has to put on that smile for the outside world. It\'s so tiring too. :( But I guess it is better than sitting at home always depressed. Hang in there. Hugs!
This what MsTerey calls \"Faking it until you make it.\" I\'m just glad that you are able to find an outlet for all the real bad feelings -- the ranting in the pillows and crying in the shower.
It takes time for your heart to catch up with your head, my dear. Trust me -- I\'ve been EXACTLY where you are -- as others here will attest to. All of this is part of the process and it takes time.
Know that I (and lots of others here) are holding you in our thoughts and prayers. It\'s not an easy Journey, but it will take you to a wonderful place...you just have to get through the muck and the mire first.
xoxoxo
Dont worry, one day the inside will match the outside. And then you are going to love wearing your skinny clothes again! Believe me, we have all been there. Little by litle, you will realize you aren\'t quite as upset, you aren\'t quite as depressed and you will realize that you are starting to live again. Too bad we can\'t just hit the \"easy\" button and be there in a heartbeat, but doesn\'t work that way.
I can relate to what you say.My inside doesn\'t match my outside either.I am definitely \"faking it\" I just hope I make it. It is very hard. Hugs to you! :) Maggie
Hi Maggie,
You will make it we all will, it is very comforting to know that none of us are alone. We all share the same feelings and emotions that seem to go hand in hand with this ROLLERCOASTER RIDE we are all on. The up\'s and down\'s and sharp turns where you can\'t see what\'s coming up next. Eventually the ride does end and you have to get off and go on to your next ride. Maybe it\'s even better than the rollercoaster who know\'s right. Keep your head held high you will MAKE IT!!!! Sending you lots of LOVE. T
Thanks for the support! I didn\'t mean to sound so negative. I was having a sad day yesterday.I really could relate to what you said. :) Maggie
Dear Maggie,
It\'s ok to be negative sometimes I think. We have to allow ourselves to go through every emotion we feel that way we learn from it and grow. I have days when I stay in bed and watch old re-runs of I love Lucy it makes me laugh. Here is a little prayer I say everyday maybe it will help you to.
Lord and Savior, the intensity of my emotions is unbearable. Hold me in Your strong arms. Comfort me with the comfort that only comes from You, and guide me in taking one step forward each day. Amen
Thanks. It is a nice prayer. I have been saying the Serenity prayer a lot. I also like all the Bible work that I do in my Divorce Care class.My stbx drove me away from my church. I am trying to get back involved. I was quite active before.:) Maggie
I remember this stage in healing as well. People would say how good I looked or comment on how much better I was doing, and I would be perplexed because I knew I still felt like crap!
One thing I found very liberating happened quite by accident. It was the first Thanksgiving after I kicked the ex out, and one of my nephews said, \"Wow, you seem really happy.\" I said, \"I\'m not happy. I\'m dealing with things, but I\'m not happy.\" I found it was okay to say that. It made me feel better.
I think sometimes we do try to fake it, but sometimes we have to let people know we are still hurting and not quite ourselves.
You will get there--have faith!
Sending hugs!