Just in Survival Mode.
When does life go from just trying to survive to ACTUALLY LIVING AGAIN? Alot of people tell me how great i'm doing and how great I look all the time. I work at my son's school and alot of the parent's have said we didn't even know you were going through anything so painful because your always smiling and look so put together. Plus i'm always laughing and joking around with the kids so no one new except a few of my friends there.
Sometimes I feel like a big FRAUD like i'm putting on this act at work then I come home spent time with my little boy tuck him in bed and then......... Here come the tears and the prayers and of course the swearing and cursing him out in my pillow or shower. Everyday everyone tells me wow your doing so good??????? But what they see isn't really me because I feel like i'm faking my way through. I WANT TO REALLY FEEL THE WAY THEY SEE ME. I want to feel STRONG, SECURE, HAPPY AND CONFIDENT AGAIN. Sometimes I can't even breathe it seems. I have lost a bunch of weight and i'm in my " skinny clothes again" I thought that would help my self esteem and confidence but now i'm worried I won't have any money for new clothes.
I just LOVED him for so long I put all my heart and soul into my marriage and family. I put all of me into it and now I don't see me anymore just a shell of the woman I used to be. I know she's in here somewhere can't wait to see that happy, bubbly, laughing from the gut girl again. For now I guess I will just have to make do with " fake it til I make it" girl instead. Atleast I get up and go to work and look good doing it. Hopefully one day MY INSIDE WILL MATCH MY OUTSIDE.
Sometimes I feel like a big FRAUD like i'm putting on this act at work then I come home spent time with my little boy tuck him in bed and then......... Here come the tears and the prayers and of course the swearing and cursing him out in my pillow or shower. Everyday everyone tells me wow your doing so good??????? But what they see isn't really me because I feel like i'm faking my way through. I WANT TO REALLY FEEL THE WAY THEY SEE ME. I want to feel STRONG, SECURE, HAPPY AND CONFIDENT AGAIN. Sometimes I can't even breathe it seems. I have lost a bunch of weight and i'm in my " skinny clothes again" I thought that would help my self esteem and confidence but now i'm worried I won't have any money for new clothes.
I just LOVED him for so long I put all my heart and soul into my marriage and family. I put all of me into it and now I don't see me anymore just a shell of the woman I used to be. I know she's in here somewhere can't wait to see that happy, bubbly, laughing from the gut girl again. For now I guess I will just have to make do with " fake it til I make it" girl instead. Atleast I get up and go to work and look good doing it. Hopefully one day MY INSIDE WILL MATCH MY OUTSIDE.
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