Just how much will I take?
You are really trying to find that out aren't you?
You try to make me watch while you go around without me with the woman you cheated on me with for years and still keep in contact with because I'm a problem. Or to be ok when she comes sniffing around and you drop me like trash you want to get away from?
You refuse to talk to me about you not being there emotionally.
You treat me asking you to marry me like a joke, like all the times you said it in passing, you've never brought up the rings again
You still try to make me feel like crap if sex isn't what you want it to be.
You defend yourself with " I need to be myself" but it's just an excuse to behave as you want.
You accuse me of testing you, but you are the one testing how far I'll let you go.
You accuse me of expecting you to fail, when I had no expectations, I only was looking at the information in front of me and in the past. And that I couldn't agree with what you were proposing.
You refuse to actually listen to me, thinking only of yourself, what you want, your fears, you can't see outside your blinders.
You put it on me that you ruined my daughter's evening with the art show, you put it on me for the weekend, you try to approach me in front of your kids.
You make me push you into things that should flow naturally, you make me have conversation after conversation that should never have to happen about her, about changing our behavior because of her
You put her first, you and her, and the kids and I"m left somewhere at the bottom, my daughter even lower, all while saying you want to be her step father. The things you do, you do out of guilt and shame, never because you actually feel, or want them.
You only want us when you want it, when you can keep everyone where they are supposed to be
You ask where is the balance, when I haven't had my share of the balance ever, when I try to get it, I get your shit
You ask about acknowledgement when I've done nothing but acknowledgement about the band, about work, about the boys, about your depression, about the divorce, but that doesn't mean that I have to live in fear and sacrifice and settle for me, and not ask for what I need, and not stand up for what I need, I haven't even gotten to the part about standing up for what I want yet... how the hell do you think I can do that when this is what I get about non negotiables and basic needs?
You think you have problems about hurting and bursting into tears? you clearly haven't seen or listened to me in a while. And this art show was never about that. It was never about making you feel good, it was about control, her. You could have had the same actions with me, but you are too much concerned with her that you can't see out her ass. You are too concerned with control and other peoples reactions, you don't care about who you hurt, or the people that you claim you want to live with, be with. being alone with her was not what they needed, it was what you needed to try to keep the peace, you are a fool for thinking otherwise.
I'm not your puppet, I'm not going to keep hurting myself for you, you clearly don't deserve or care that it's happening.
I'm carrying the weight, I'm doing all the work, I'm doing the pushing and I get treated like a dirty secret. I am doing the work, and I get accused of stifling you. I've bent over backwards so you could be yourself and all I get, besides lack of gratitude is accusations.
You should be taking care of her, you should be guiding me with her, you should be strong, you shouldn't be putting us in our boxes. You're expecting me to be half a person around you, I can't do that.
I can't feel that you even want to be here. All this.. for someone who is just going along with it, yes'ing me and who is not real.
I'm a fool for thinking you could ever be in a real relationship with me, one with two people, not one catering to your every whim.
And then you call, and you expect it to be normal, the words "I want to be with you" and "How are you guys" sound so hollow and forced, like you truly are only using them to get what you want, not to be alone with the boys all weekend, get sex, see us.. for what? So you can use me again? So you can get what you want and then see how much bad behavior I'll put up with?
I want everything. I've made that clear, I'm not a mistress, hell I never really was after the first year, yet you treat me like I am. An expensive one, but a mistress that what in her box and to be ok with your behavior when you want. There's not going to California, there's the art show, there's never talking about the rings and hoping I don't bring it up.. or worse, forgetting. There's having to be the driving force to make Easter happen, there's attacking me at Easter in the hotel for no reason, there's several times of coming at me about sex stuff, there's attacking me for being who I needed to be, attacking my daughter for 'taking me away from you' there is not letting Lydia's birthday happen and allowing her to take them on the 21st without good reason, there was the obvious part that my birthday wasn't on the radar for you, a last minute trip perhaps, not that I'm not thankful that you got something. There's being shut down when I bring up anything negative and the onslaught of defense. There's a complete lack of empathy for the hell I was going through with Lydia between breaks, the using it against me that I admitted that I started to try to walk down the path of suicide and now using it as something "I did to you" and "You aren't the same since". God, who does THAT sound like? There's countless times when you fail to even see or care what I'm going through, or even care to ask, only assuming, or ignoring. When I bring any of this up it's hell, maybe not right away, but sooner or later it comes back to haunt me. It's not allowing me to support you in watching John run in the marathon, it's not taking the lead, but instead letting life happen to you, allow yourself to be pushed around by her, and at times by me, it's your apathy, towards me, sometimes towards the kids, definitely towards Lydia. It's doing things out of guilt, shame, obligation, or worse manipulation to get something else you want. It's not calling John's counselor, letting her walk all over you, letting her shove the door closer to shut on you, it's not caring that it's been over a year since you filed papers, that there is no room in that house for us, that you feel like you dread when she leaves and I said I wanted to be there full time. Do you want to be here or not? If you do, you know it means a lot of things, including pissing her off.
You try to make me watch while you go around without me with the woman you cheated on me with for years and still keep in contact with because I'm a problem. Or to be ok when she comes sniffing around and you drop me like trash you want to get away from?
You refuse to talk to me about you not being there emotionally.
You treat me asking you to marry me like a joke, like all the times you said it in passing, you've never brought up the rings again
You still try to make me feel like crap if sex isn't what you want it to be.
You defend yourself with " I need to be myself" but it's just an excuse to behave as you want.
You accuse me of testing you, but you are the one testing how far I'll let you go.
You accuse me of expecting you to fail, when I had no expectations, I only was looking at the information in front of me and in the past. And that I couldn't agree with what you were proposing.
You refuse to actually listen to me, thinking only of yourself, what you want, your fears, you can't see outside your blinders.
You put it on me that you ruined my daughter's evening with the art show, you put it on me for the weekend, you try to approach me in front of your kids.
You make me push you into things that should flow naturally, you make me have conversation after conversation that should never have to happen about her, about changing our behavior because of her
You put her first, you and her, and the kids and I"m left somewhere at the bottom, my daughter even lower, all while saying you want to be her step father. The things you do, you do out of guilt and shame, never because you actually feel, or want them.
You only want us when you want it, when you can keep everyone where they are supposed to be
You ask where is the balance, when I haven't had my share of the balance ever, when I try to get it, I get your shit
You ask about acknowledgement when I've done nothing but acknowledgement about the band, about work, about the boys, about your depression, about the divorce, but that doesn't mean that I have to live in fear and sacrifice and settle for me, and not ask for what I need, and not stand up for what I need, I haven't even gotten to the part about standing up for what I want yet... how the hell do you think I can do that when this is what I get about non negotiables and basic needs?
You think you have problems about hurting and bursting into tears? you clearly haven't seen or listened to me in a while. And this art show was never about that. It was never about making you feel good, it was about control, her. You could have had the same actions with me, but you are too much concerned with her that you can't see out her ass. You are too concerned with control and other peoples reactions, you don't care about who you hurt, or the people that you claim you want to live with, be with. being alone with her was not what they needed, it was what you needed to try to keep the peace, you are a fool for thinking otherwise.
I'm not your puppet, I'm not going to keep hurting myself for you, you clearly don't deserve or care that it's happening.
I'm carrying the weight, I'm doing all the work, I'm doing the pushing and I get treated like a dirty secret. I am doing the work, and I get accused of stifling you. I've bent over backwards so you could be yourself and all I get, besides lack of gratitude is accusations.
You should be taking care of her, you should be guiding me with her, you should be strong, you shouldn't be putting us in our boxes. You're expecting me to be half a person around you, I can't do that.
I can't feel that you even want to be here. All this.. for someone who is just going along with it, yes'ing me and who is not real.
I'm a fool for thinking you could ever be in a real relationship with me, one with two people, not one catering to your every whim.
And then you call, and you expect it to be normal, the words "I want to be with you" and "How are you guys" sound so hollow and forced, like you truly are only using them to get what you want, not to be alone with the boys all weekend, get sex, see us.. for what? So you can use me again? So you can get what you want and then see how much bad behavior I'll put up with?
I want everything. I've made that clear, I'm not a mistress, hell I never really was after the first year, yet you treat me like I am. An expensive one, but a mistress that what in her box and to be ok with your behavior when you want. There's not going to California, there's the art show, there's never talking about the rings and hoping I don't bring it up.. or worse, forgetting. There's having to be the driving force to make Easter happen, there's attacking me at Easter in the hotel for no reason, there's several times of coming at me about sex stuff, there's attacking me for being who I needed to be, attacking my daughter for 'taking me away from you' there is not letting Lydia's birthday happen and allowing her to take them on the 21st without good reason, there was the obvious part that my birthday wasn't on the radar for you, a last minute trip perhaps, not that I'm not thankful that you got something. There's being shut down when I bring up anything negative and the onslaught of defense. There's a complete lack of empathy for the hell I was going through with Lydia between breaks, the using it against me that I admitted that I started to try to walk down the path of suicide and now using it as something "I did to you" and "You aren't the same since". God, who does THAT sound like? There's countless times when you fail to even see or care what I'm going through, or even care to ask, only assuming, or ignoring. When I bring any of this up it's hell, maybe not right away, but sooner or later it comes back to haunt me. It's not allowing me to support you in watching John run in the marathon, it's not taking the lead, but instead letting life happen to you, allow yourself to be pushed around by her, and at times by me, it's your apathy, towards me, sometimes towards the kids, definitely towards Lydia. It's doing things out of guilt, shame, obligation, or worse manipulation to get something else you want. It's not calling John's counselor, letting her walk all over you, letting her shove the door closer to shut on you, it's not caring that it's been over a year since you filed papers, that there is no room in that house for us, that you feel like you dread when she leaves and I said I wanted to be there full time. Do you want to be here or not? If you do, you know it means a lot of things, including pissing her off.
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