Just got back from crazy town...When does the next bus leave?
My whole adult life I have struggled with an anxiety disorder. I think giving me IF also was a particularly unkind thing of God to do. Ok, maybe he's just trying to make me grow or some such thing. But it really makes for a nasty combination!
After visiting the RE, I really thought this cycle would be an easy one. Mostly because I had a plan of action for when it was negative - tests, IUI, etc. But it has definitely turned out to be just the opposite.
My cycles are generally pretty regular, between 32-34 days. I tend to show signs of ovulation around days 17-19. I tracked my BBT for the first 8 months of TTC, then stopped because it was making me crazy. BBT is supposed to be low for the first half of the cycle, then dip, then spike to at least 1/2 degree higher after ovulation and remain there until a day or so before AF. You can pinpoint ovulation on the day of or right after the dip, generally indicated by the spike in temp. Mine has never done what it was supposed to do. In general, I'd see a vague change. But I could rarely use my BBT to pinpoint ovulation because I'd have weird spikes in temp, then drops, and the last half of my cycle was all over the place. Very frustrating.
About a month before going to the RE, I decided to start tracking again so that I could have more information about my cycle to show him, if needed. The last two have been same as always, incredibly frustrating erratic temps. Then this cycle, picture perfect. I mean, completely by the book, doing exactly what it's supposed to do, when it's supposed to do it.
It's like this whole cycle has been built around giving me little nudges of hope. I did OPK's from CD 10 on. Got a definite positive, which was then confirmed by the textbook temperature dip and spike. We were doing the BD every day that week and for several days after, so I know we were covered that way. So, I know there was an egg and I know I was chock full of sperm. (The sentences I never thought I'd say....he he.) My temp rose steadily after ovulation, then a slight dip about 6dpo (which a lot of people say indicates implantation), then steady rise again. From the moment I ovulated, I just...felt like things were working this time. Then that temp dip and subsequent rise...I started to feel it more strongly.
But oh my goodness that feeling scared the living hell out of me. My husband always says 'you women just know when you're pregnant, right? so you'd know, wouldn't you?' I told him today that I think that might be true for women who've never struggled. They get that feeling, they trust it, and then they are. But for those of us who have been burned by that feeling over and over...I mean, I think we've all had that cycle that we've truly felt 'this is it. it's working this time' and then it turns out to be our imaginations and we're crushed. I think after so many months of disappointment and heartbreak, we lose that. And instead those feelings just scare us.
So about a week ago, I started thinking...maybe, just maybe. And that sent me spiraling right over the edge. Racing thoughts, panicky anxiety consuming me. Once my thoughts get started, with the anxiety feeding it...it's like a train wreck, picking up speed until I'm hurtling down the track, knowing the crash is inevitable but powerless to stop it. What I really needed was my husband to just pull me off the track, hold me till my crazy quieted, and tell me it was going to be ok. But he hasn't figured out how to deal with my crazy yet. (His first marriage ended because the lady was certifiable...seriously, she was committed after he left. So I think it freaks him out and he goes into hiding.)
Although I think he's getting closer because he finally, after days of hiding out, did just that. And I was able to pull it together finally yesterday.
My temp started dropping the day before yesterday, which is generally a pretty solid indicator that AF is on her way. Mine generally drops pretty quickly over the span of 2 days and that's when AF arrives. I was feeling ok with that yesterday. It meant moving forward with tests and finding out what is going wrong every month. I mean, I know we had all of the components in the right place at the right time this month, so obviously something is getting in the way, right? So moving forward to find that out, that's a good thing. Feeling good, feeling confident, feeling hopeful that things will settle and work out and I'll be ok.
Then this morning, my temp went up. What?! Not a huge jump, but up. That's not supposed to happen. Then I get in the shower and DH looks at my chest and says 'are those bigger? they look bigger.' I told him I always obsess about whether they are bigger during the 2WW, so I just figured it was my imagination. He continues to comment on how they are definitely bigger. Really?!
I just got back from crazy town. I can't afford another ticket. But oh...maybe? Just maybe?
After visiting the RE, I really thought this cycle would be an easy one. Mostly because I had a plan of action for when it was negative - tests, IUI, etc. But it has definitely turned out to be just the opposite.
My cycles are generally pretty regular, between 32-34 days. I tend to show signs of ovulation around days 17-19. I tracked my BBT for the first 8 months of TTC, then stopped because it was making me crazy. BBT is supposed to be low for the first half of the cycle, then dip, then spike to at least 1/2 degree higher after ovulation and remain there until a day or so before AF. You can pinpoint ovulation on the day of or right after the dip, generally indicated by the spike in temp. Mine has never done what it was supposed to do. In general, I'd see a vague change. But I could rarely use my BBT to pinpoint ovulation because I'd have weird spikes in temp, then drops, and the last half of my cycle was all over the place. Very frustrating.
About a month before going to the RE, I decided to start tracking again so that I could have more information about my cycle to show him, if needed. The last two have been same as always, incredibly frustrating erratic temps. Then this cycle, picture perfect. I mean, completely by the book, doing exactly what it's supposed to do, when it's supposed to do it.
It's like this whole cycle has been built around giving me little nudges of hope. I did OPK's from CD 10 on. Got a definite positive, which was then confirmed by the textbook temperature dip and spike. We were doing the BD every day that week and for several days after, so I know we were covered that way. So, I know there was an egg and I know I was chock full of sperm. (The sentences I never thought I'd say....he he.) My temp rose steadily after ovulation, then a slight dip about 6dpo (which a lot of people say indicates implantation), then steady rise again. From the moment I ovulated, I just...felt like things were working this time. Then that temp dip and subsequent rise...I started to feel it more strongly.
But oh my goodness that feeling scared the living hell out of me. My husband always says 'you women just know when you're pregnant, right? so you'd know, wouldn't you?' I told him today that I think that might be true for women who've never struggled. They get that feeling, they trust it, and then they are. But for those of us who have been burned by that feeling over and over...I mean, I think we've all had that cycle that we've truly felt 'this is it. it's working this time' and then it turns out to be our imaginations and we're crushed. I think after so many months of disappointment and heartbreak, we lose that. And instead those feelings just scare us.
So about a week ago, I started thinking...maybe, just maybe. And that sent me spiraling right over the edge. Racing thoughts, panicky anxiety consuming me. Once my thoughts get started, with the anxiety feeding it...it's like a train wreck, picking up speed until I'm hurtling down the track, knowing the crash is inevitable but powerless to stop it. What I really needed was my husband to just pull me off the track, hold me till my crazy quieted, and tell me it was going to be ok. But he hasn't figured out how to deal with my crazy yet. (His first marriage ended because the lady was certifiable...seriously, she was committed after he left. So I think it freaks him out and he goes into hiding.)
Although I think he's getting closer because he finally, after days of hiding out, did just that. And I was able to pull it together finally yesterday.
My temp started dropping the day before yesterday, which is generally a pretty solid indicator that AF is on her way. Mine generally drops pretty quickly over the span of 2 days and that's when AF arrives. I was feeling ok with that yesterday. It meant moving forward with tests and finding out what is going wrong every month. I mean, I know we had all of the components in the right place at the right time this month, so obviously something is getting in the way, right? So moving forward to find that out, that's a good thing. Feeling good, feeling confident, feeling hopeful that things will settle and work out and I'll be ok.
Then this morning, my temp went up. What?! Not a huge jump, but up. That's not supposed to happen. Then I get in the shower and DH looks at my chest and says 'are those bigger? they look bigger.' I told him I always obsess about whether they are bigger during the 2WW, so I just figured it was my imagination. He continues to comment on how they are definitely bigger. Really?!
I just got back from crazy town. I can't afford another ticket. But oh...maybe? Just maybe?
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