Just going through the motions.

Well, I got a massage today.. The good thing? It helped all the aches, pains, burning from the syrinx. But, my back hurts worse than ever. The neurosurgeon finally called back and I have an MRI and appointment next week. So my dad and I are once again driving the four hour stretch, desperate for some answers. The one spot on my back feels EXACTLY like a tethered cord again, but I guess it could always be more bone degeneration or bony nodes.
I just absolutely HATE waiting. It's a terrible feeling to know that there are multiple things inside you tearing you apart, and there may be even more that you don't know about.. It's all I can think about. I'm back to school now (every day) and I know I should be proud of myself, but I'm just so angry that that's all I can feel at the moment. It takes so much energy to just suck up this shitty pain every single day and try to function.. and I'm running out of strength to do it. 8 hours of school and 2 hours of practice. Some days are just all day tournaments. And no one understands my brain fog. They don't understand that some days I can win entire academic team matches, and some days it takes all of my concentration to string a sentence together.
And I feel that there might be something wrong with me.. It's like I have no range of emotion anymore and am just numb all the time. Maybe its the meds? I really just don't know..I'm at least getting through the day now. I just have to ignore all of my thoughts. Even if I have some good ones, the bad ones will eventually flood back in. I can hold it togetherif I just shut up and make myself get out of bed..