Just Going Through The Motions

The weather's been stormy for days now, which doesn't help my mood much. Over the past two weeks I would say I've slept more often than I've been awake. I just don't have the willpower to do even the simplest of chores. The most I've done is make sure my cat, Pook, is taken care of. Thursday I got a script for Klonopin (60 tabs). It's now Monday and I've only got six tabs left. I just want to tune out. Suicide isn't really on my mind. I'd rather just sleep my life away. Though that is no respite in itself. My dreams, as usual, are disturbing and quite vivid. I don't know which is worse: waking life or dreaming life.
I haven't thought too much of Jacob lately, but I have seen him online a couple of times. On those site for guys to hook up for sex. Yes, I go to those sites too, but I'm not looking for sex necessarily (there are those on there looking for more). I desperately want a boyfriend/companion, though I know it's far too soon for that.
I've had a habit for years of thinking about whatever boy I'm fixated on, or whatever boyfriend I have, when I lie down to sleep. It's sort of my way to lull me to sleep. Now I've created the "optimal" boy to take the place of Jacob. Let me say it's no comfort.
I'm just a mess right now.