Just friends?
I find life so darn fascinating. Everything seems to be connected or woven together lately. Like...
My stbx told me about a month after he blind sided me that he hoped we could eventually get to a place where we could be friends. His thinking is that we were friends before we fell in love so we should be able to get back to that. My response was something like "you're out of your bleeping mind." I actually told him that it hurt too much to talk to him and that I couldn't be friends with him because I was in love with him. He honored my wishes for no contact and I didn't talk to him for a few weeks. I had to talk to him about some financial things and called him and we talked just long enough to get everything squared ( a few minutes ) and then I said goodbye. We needed to talk a few more weeks later and it was pretty much the same thing. During this time I had gathered myself together and started working towards a new future and was doing pretty well, so I called one day just to talk for a bit and see how he was and to let him know I was doing better. He doesn't call but will send an email about something he knows I like or a quick text message. I call him every once in awhile and do the same with the emails. I have felt in the past few weeks that the love I have for him is changing shape and form. I can't stop loving him or caring about him so this seems natural to me.
But at the same time I have felt like it's not right for some reason. Like I'm letting him off easy. It's actually been bothering me a bit. Until I thought of something tonight that has been right under my nose most of my life. My first boyfriends mother called me last week and told me she was throwing him a birthday party this Saturday night. She invited me and asked if I had my second boyfriends phone number because they've remained friends through the years and she wanted to invite him too. I called my second boyfriend and told him about the party and we are both going to go. I have loved 4 men in my life. I am still very good friends with the first 2. So apparently you can be just friends. I've been doing it for 30 years! I still can't see standing face to face with my husband and feeling nothing but friendship. I've just never loved someone like that and had the incredible connection and I'm not sure how much that love is capable of changing. There are a few things that I haven't let him off the hook for and one thing I don't even want to start to forgive him for, but I know how things change over time and it wouldn't surprise me if some time in the future I find myself being thankful I never cut ties with him. We shall see...
My stbx told me about a month after he blind sided me that he hoped we could eventually get to a place where we could be friends. His thinking is that we were friends before we fell in love so we should be able to get back to that. My response was something like "you're out of your bleeping mind." I actually told him that it hurt too much to talk to him and that I couldn't be friends with him because I was in love with him. He honored my wishes for no contact and I didn't talk to him for a few weeks. I had to talk to him about some financial things and called him and we talked just long enough to get everything squared ( a few minutes ) and then I said goodbye. We needed to talk a few more weeks later and it was pretty much the same thing. During this time I had gathered myself together and started working towards a new future and was doing pretty well, so I called one day just to talk for a bit and see how he was and to let him know I was doing better. He doesn't call but will send an email about something he knows I like or a quick text message. I call him every once in awhile and do the same with the emails. I have felt in the past few weeks that the love I have for him is changing shape and form. I can't stop loving him or caring about him so this seems natural to me.
But at the same time I have felt like it's not right for some reason. Like I'm letting him off easy. It's actually been bothering me a bit. Until I thought of something tonight that has been right under my nose most of my life. My first boyfriends mother called me last week and told me she was throwing him a birthday party this Saturday night. She invited me and asked if I had my second boyfriends phone number because they've remained friends through the years and she wanted to invite him too. I called my second boyfriend and told him about the party and we are both going to go. I have loved 4 men in my life. I am still very good friends with the first 2. So apparently you can be just friends. I've been doing it for 30 years! I still can't see standing face to face with my husband and feeling nothing but friendship. I've just never loved someone like that and had the incredible connection and I'm not sure how much that love is capable of changing. There are a few things that I haven't let him off the hook for and one thing I don't even want to start to forgive him for, but I know how things change over time and it wouldn't surprise me if some time in the future I find myself being thankful I never cut ties with him. We shall see...
Replies
I\'m glad you\'re slowly coming around--or that the epiphany sudden dawned upon you. I definitely believe it\'s better to have a friendly relationship with your ex if possible, rather than a negative-hateful-vengeful relationship we see so often on DS here. I know it\'s not always possible. Some abusive relationships can\'t be reconciled to friendships ever again. But it certainly sounds like you two can have a friendship again in time. Best wishes moving forward.
I\'ve never stayed friends with any of my past loves. I think it would have been too hard on me to do.
I like that you are able to do this and hope you can with your last.
I agree with you, Panda. If there isn\'t a lot of emotional turmoil in the marriage or abuse it\'s definitely the way to go. Thanks for the warm wishes.
Wisdom, I think it\'s only hard when you don\'t let go in a healthy way. If you really look at the other persons side and come to an understanding of their needs and motivation it\'s easier to forgive any pain and just see it for what it is. Of course if someone cheats on you or does something that\'s just mean spirited, then I don\'t think there is a need to continue any kind of relationship with them. I\'ve been lucky in 3 of my 4 choices. They were good guys and didn\'t do anything malicious towards me. We just didn\'t work out. We have that mutual respect that carried out through everything.
My kids father is the type of person I would never befriend. He wasn\'t always like he is now. We were extremely close and happy for years. He has a chemical imbalance coupled with a past he refuses to deal with so he is extremely hard to be around. It seems to be progressing more as he gets older too. I imagine when my youngest moves off to college or starts his new life I won\'t contact that ex at all.