Just Found Out
I found out 2 weeks ago today that my husband of almost 16 years (just 2 months shy of anniversary) has been having an affair with our next door neighbor. She was also a very good friend of mine. This affair has been going on for over 1 1/2 years. I never saw it coming. She always talked about how bad he treated me and how disconnected he was from me. She called him names to me. I know now, that was just to keep me from finding out on her part. My husband chose to have the affair with her. We were having some problems in our sex life regarding my lack of libido due to a full hysterectomy (at age 30ish). I am now 37. It was an ongoing issue each time I went to the doctor. I thought he understood and was willing to work with me on it. When he first told me about the affair, he first tried to make it my fault that he CHOSE to have sex with her when she asked him. That I didn't give him what he needed. That I was dispassionate to him. I told him that I did not make that choice for him....he did! We have talked quite a bit (no screaming or fighting, though I am not sure how I didn't) and we have decided to work it out and try to keep our marriage together. When he told the OW about our decision, she said, "so she won, huh?" I told him it was no contest. She could have him if he so chooses. He has told me repeatedly that he wants me, our marriage and our family and not her. He ripped my heart out! I never would have even thought that he would be capable of doing what he has done. I guess that goes to say that you never know about people. I have days that I cry and days that are numb. Yesterday was horrible. As to how we will proceed, I don't know yet. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I don't know if I can love him in the SAME WAY again. I do know that I still love him deep down but his betrayal of our marriage, the deception, the lies and the death of my trust are hard to overcome. I am willing to try though.
Replies
Hi,
Just read your journal entry. So sad. I know how you feel. It feels like you can never trust them or believe anything they say. One of the worst things about it (for me at least) is the constant lies that were told to me and the thought of him complaining about me to her. Him choosing her over me when he cheated. It\'s so heartbreaking that at times it can be overwhelming. My husband had a 4 year affair with a married co-worker. It\'s honestly the worst thing I\'ve ever gone through. It\'s like everything is shattered. Everything our marriage stood for is gone. We\'re in counseling now but it\'s just so hard.
I have to give you credit for not totally losing it. If it had been a friend of mine that he had the affair with, I think I would have wanted to kill her. It\'s such a betrayal. I feel for you.
I\'m glad I found this site though. It\'s good to talk to others who have been through the same thing. Hopefully, we can all help each other.
Best wishes.
jackie
Thanks! I do want to kill her or atleast knock her teeth down her throat! It is hard. His affair with her lasted over 1 1/2 years. What hurts the most is when he told me that he never thought of the consequences... to me or our family...he just wanted the quick, free sex. He still does not see the wrong in it. He asked me for a divorce the first night and made me feel like it was my fault by not giving him sex as much as he wanted. That he talked to her and had developed feelings for her and wanted out of our marriage to be with her. We then talked for several hours. I was mad all the next day and had one question to ask him. He never admitted the affair on the first night but when I point blank asked him the second night...he told me all.
He, still when we talk, tries to make it my fault that he cheated...BS!!! I ask him repeatedly why did he not talk to me before he dropped his pants and tore our family apart. He said he did not know how to bring it up. He also admitted last night that it was the thrilling to know that he was doing it and getting away with it. WTH!!
I am sorry for unloading...it is good to hear that you are in counseling. We can\'t afford it right now. My job\'s hours have been cut drastically with the economy and that has made it tough. I do plan on doing counseling as soon as my job situation gets better.
Thanks,
shawnda
It is a good thing that I am not a violent person prone to emotional outbreaks and quick knee-jerk reactions. Even if I did see her, I doubt that I would physically attack her. I don\'t have it in me to be that type of person.