just feeling down
im just feeling down tonight. my ex posted our official status of getting a divorce. seeing it in black and white on a public forum was disconcerting. but nessacary i guess. i think mostly im just exhausted. working 12 and 13 hours a day is starting to wear me down. i need the money for the bankrupcty and divorce. also my boss really needs me now. but coming straight home and being exhausted and going to bed every night is like just draining. im mostly down because i havent been working out and i feel like a stupid fat blob.
Replies
:( I\'m sorry you have to work so many hours each day. That must be numbing after a while. I really hoped you would go dancing tonight, but I don\'t think you made it tonight. Please try dancing next week. It really is better to get out. And believe you me, I like to \"hermit\" at home too. But we really do need to get out.
Yes, that\'s no fun working 12 to 13 hours. Try and do something fun for yourself. It will get better I promise!
Hi--just read all your journal entries since the last one I commented on in June. So I\'m all caught up! Well, you are getting a divorce, that is clear. I have to say, I think it\'s the right move for you. I know very well that it doesn\'t feel any better now though. I still struggle a lot with what happened to my marriage and why it cannot simply just work out the way it was supposed to! My divorce date is coming up in a few weeks. I think we are in a similar place, very similar, in that we know we cannot make it work with the partner we have/had because they don\'t want to make it work the way we do. We both are and were given mixed messages by our partner, with the result that we have been riding on an emotional rollercoaster that just keeps going and going and going. We want them, they are not clear as to what they want, but it is clear that they aren\'t making a commitment to us. There\'s only so long you can stand that before you really start to lose yourself, confidence, and time that you could be using to get on with living the life you want to live and in so doing being ready for the person who is right for you. You know what you need to do, you know that he is not the kind of person you need as a life partner, you know that it would not change no matter how long you were to wait for him to catch up with you, you know that you would not find happiness with him but that you would end up trying to make yourself believe that you are happy if you were to stay married to him. Those are the things I am going through with my wife. It wears you out this going back and forth, and the relief of making the decision to end it doesn\'t always feel like relief, but like pain and a longing for what might have been but you know will not be. The finality of it is devastating at some moments and other times you see a break in the clouds and realize that there is of course someone out there for you who will love you as you are, for who you are, and who will be able to make the kind of commitment that you are able to make with him. It\'s hard to know how long it will take to heal from a broken heart. But I do know that we both need to do things that make us feel happy--and give us a renewed sense of confidence in ourselves, we need to be with people who make us feel good and give us positive energy. Those will help us to heal and to see the doors that are open in front of us instead of longing for the \'what might have been\' doors that are closed and behind us.
Working so many hours each day--is that something you can change? I think you are wearing yourself out and feeling miserable which is not helping you to find the positive energy you need--especially right now. It seems you have no time leftover in your days for the things you need to do to keep you feeling good about yourself--such as exercising. Working all those hours also leaves you with too little time and energy to think about the healing you are doing/need to do in order to move forward toward a happy life. I\'m trying not to bury myself in work or activities to the point of not giving myself time to grieve the loss that is the reality of going through a divorce and letting someone I still love go. It\'s damn hard to do, but it really needs to happen so that you don\'t find yourself reliving the previous relationship with someone else.
And please do not accept negative \'put-down\' thoughts that distract you from who you really are. They are probably a result of your being so exhausted and not having any personal time to do things that lift your spirits and help you to feel good about yourself.
Maybe try to look beyond now to where you want to be in one year--to give you some renewed faith and motivation to move yourself in the direction of the kind of life you want to live....?
Remember-- the work you are doing now, healing, is slowly opening you up to the good future that is waiting for you.
sean