Just feeling alone...
Struggling today...just like many nights I laid in bed last night crying into my pillow...wishing I had somebody to talk to...somebody to hug me and tell me everything was going to be alright...my family have made it clear that they in no way support my decision to leave...they think I am just looking for an excuse to get out of a perfectly good marriage..they think I am being selfish...part of it is my fault because for years I let on I was living the perfect life because I didn't want nobody to know how things truly were..I didn't want them to know that I failed as a wife...that I couldn't make this marriage work...I only went to visit them 4-5 times a year so it was easy to put on the life is perfect act when I was there...I have never been one to tell people my problems..I keep them inside where they are safe...I have never had anybody that I could trust with my deepest thoughts and feelings....even to this day most people don't know what my life is like at home...the people I work with who see me every day have no idea how unhappy I am....
Replies
I wish that I could help take away your sadness. I know your pain and lonliness. I have felt so alone for many years in my marriage and with those around me. I kept my feelings locked up to avoid bringing my problems to those around me. Although in my situation a lot of my life with my husband was pretty much a visual exchange of problems, at least to my family and closest friends. His private side is the total opposite of his public side. So I too, have people in my life that feel he is the victim in this divorce. That\'s the price I pay for leaving, but I knew that going into it. It\'s okay by me - I don\'t have to explain my pain and hurt to anyone just to justify myself to them. I gave that up a while ago. I never said negative things about my stbx in casual company and always put that smile on to cover up the pain. I know who I am and those close to me should know also. If they don\'t - I can\'t change that. I know what I did I had to do.
I don\'t know your situation, but whether you feel out of love or were pushed out of love, you need to follow the soul of your existence. Life is too short to live unhappily if there is something that you can do to change it. It\'s just a waste of life to just survive through it and not live it.
How did you \"fail as a wife\"? I don\'t understand? Did you find another or why do you feel this way? Have you tried counseling or some type of marital support? All that you can do is try your best to make your marriage work and if that doesn\'t help, you need to get out. It doesn\'t matter what others think or say about your decision, it\'s your life at odds here, not theirs. Unless, they\'re willing to live it for you, it\'s really not their choice to decide what\'s right for you.
I pray that God gives you the strength and guidance you need to get through this. You are not alone - believe me when I say this. I\'ve spent many a night crying into my pillow and days wondering in total sadness. So many others here have too. My best to you on the decisions that you make. You are stronger then you think - I admire your quest for life. Big hugs and kisses to you. Always.
I\'m in a very similar situation. I so miss a familiar voice and touches and hugs. My ex was subtly abusive, but I thought for a long time that hugs from him were better than none. Unfortunately, there was nothing connected to those touches and hugs except for selfishness on his part. He was never emotionally connected to me or the marriage. What I miss is the fantasy of closeness and the fantasy of love and marriage. Does that make any sense?
I\'m sorry you don\'t have the support you need and deserve. I have no one locally for support either. My sisters live 2000 miles away and they have tried to be supportive, but it\'s just that I think they really don\'t know what to say or do. I think those who haven\'t been separated or divorced have no clue about what we go thru. I know I didn\'t realize how inadequate my meager offerings of support were to friends going thru this, at least not until I experienced it.
And I think that many times our situations hit a little to close to home with friends &/or family and they don\'t want to have to deal with their own stuff, so in their denial, they turn their backs on us &/or blame us for the divorce.
My ex used to threaten me with divorce throughout our entire marriage. Of course no one knew that. We looked like the perfect couple. He always made sure he came across as Mr Good Guy, Prince Charming and Knight in Shining Armour all rolled into one. People used to tell me I had it made because he took out the trash, blah blah blah. Well he did do that, but the price was way too high. When his drinking (which he hid really well) started affecting his brain and personality, I finally had to leave & I was the one who filed for divorce because he never got around to it. I\'m sure it was part of his plan to continue to look like the victim. Poor Mr Good Guy....the crazy bitch, what was she thinking leaving this wonderful man? Well no one knows what we live with. And like Nan, I knew that going in.
As far as you being a failure of a wife, I don\'t believe that, not one bit. We all make mistakes and we all could have done things better in our marriages, but that doesn\'t make us failures. I agree with Nan that counseling would be helpful. It would help you to see good in yourself and that this is not your fault.
I honestly don\'t know what I would have done without DS. I have received so much love and support here...it\'s what has gotten me thru the bad times. I\'d also like to recommend A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It\'s really helped me to start to let go and know that I am ok, better than ok.
Lots of hugs!!!!