Just Feel Sorry For Me!
The whole M.carriage thing and now TTC thing is very sad, frustrating, and emotionally draining. People don't get it either, not even those closest to me, my husband, my mom, my sister, my dad, NONE OF THEM. When I m.carried, it seemed like NO ONE understood. There were comments like, "Well, God has a plan", and "That means there was something wrong with the baby, so it is probably best that you m.carried", "You will get pregnant again someday", "It just wasn't meant to be", "At least you can drink now", "At least you weren't that far along", the list goes on and on, I am sure many of you can relate. And after those comments people were quick to return to comments about THEIR own lives and struggles, it was if they did not want to hear about my loss and it made them uncomfortable. In fact, to this day, when I bring it up to anyone, they get quiet, and the mood becomes awkward. If I could have answered some of the comments made they would be "I know God has a plan, you dont need to tell me that", "Actually, I dont think there was something wrong with my baby, my HCG levels were VERY high, I feel in my heart that I m.carried due to the hemmorage, not because there was something wrong with my baby", "If it wasnt meant to be than why was it meant to be for only 8 weeks?!" "And yes, I can drink now, I may become and alcoholic due to the pain this has caused...wonderful!!!!" "Yes, I was only 8 weeks, so that makes my little one less significant?"Anyways, I have learned NO ONE really understands, and NO ONE ever will! I feel like telling everyone, "Please, when I talk about my loss, please JUST FEEL SORRY FOR ME, Please hug me and tell me you love me and tell me you are SOOOOOOO sorry for my loss. Dont tell me everything is going to be ok, because it is not ok, it was horrible and I am still not pregnant and it has been almost a year, so it is not ok!!!" Just listen and cry with me and TRY to empathize with me AND LOVE ME!!! And I dont want a little hug I want a BIG Hug with meaning and if you could bring up a tear or two, it would make me feel like you are feeling my pain a little , so that would be helpful too." Anyways- just wanted to see if anyone else who has suffered loss or who is TTC after loss felt this way-
Replies
I\'m so sorry you have to go through all of this :( Unfortunately, it is very common... I went through this with my family and many other women I\'ve talked to did, too. I don\'t think it\'s something anyone can really understand unless they\'ve been through it and really wanted the baby so badly. They really do think they\'re helping sometimes with their comments, saying that it\'s Gods plan and what not, as if we don\'t already know that. The problem is, it doesn\'t make us feel any better... However, there is nothing that can really ever make us feel better except time. Well, it doesn\'t get \"better\" it gets easier to handle... Of course, it also helps to have a shoulder to cry on or a hug or even just someone that will listen and not offer us a bunch of crap \"wisdom\" that only makes us feel worse... You\'re definitely not the only person who feels like this, though. Even though I\'m pregnant again, I\'m still sad over my losses and very scared it will happen again... However, I never voice them because I know I will hear something like, \"Just be happy for what you have now.\"
Absolutely! After talking to my mom today about my situation last night she said \"if there is anything I can do please let me know\" and I said I was just glad she listened and all she can do is just tell me she loves me and she said \"you know I love you very very much with my whole heart\" and I said I know but hearing it is what makes me feel better. I too just want to feel loved (extremely) especially on my bad days of this journey by my husband and family. I want you to know you are loved and we are here for you. Every baby is a baby and you had that inside of you -it is just as significant as any other alive thing with a heart beat.
I think one of the hardest things in this journey is listening to others reaction. Most of them I think have good intent however it seems like NO ONE knows what to say or what the wrong thing to say is. I\'m guitly of it too, however going through this experience has helped me learn and grow so I can do better. It\'s important for US as the individuals going through this, to EDUCATE as many people as we can on how it feels and what we need to help us move through this difficult journey. I\'m not sure the best way of going about this but I think its important.
I feel for you. I do not know what its like to have a miscarriage, yet - I\'m sure I will have one due to my condition (hopefully not) however, as of right now I would be willing to have a miscarriage because then at least I know I can become pregnant instead of not even having a chance -which is how its been for almost 1yr. I am mourning a child who I cannot even form, so I think I can relate even though I haven\'t walked in your foot steps.
Just remember you are loved and I care about you. Every bit of me believes you WILL be a mom.
Yeah, You are right. Time has helped me heal, but I still shed a tear at least once a day. Ever since this has happened, the struggle of dealing with other people seeming not to care or understand has been a huge struggle for me. I just felt like venting, actually I think I am PMSing. Thank You for your input:)
Awwwww...wishinghopingpraying, you are SO right, I wish we could EDUCATE EVERYONE on what to say!!! My experience has helped me grow to empathize with other people and their losses and struggles, in fact that is the one (I guess) good thing that came out of the m.carriage! And I am so sorry that you have to struggle with not being able to get pregnant:( And DITTO, I believe you will be a mom too!!! Maybe if we send enough hugs/prayer happy faces out, it will happen! Thank you for your input!
Happy that we have a place to vent im on the reverse side im single and am not TTC at this point i dont know what will happen. I am coming to an understanding of what I need to do to make the symptoms less. It is a struggle for me because i do want to get married and have babies. It just frustrates me so bad when ladies i know say \"Don\'t worry it will happen.\" I cant begin to know how u feel but what I can say is you do have the support of me and many other ladies here. Take care Big Huge Humongous Hugs to you.
Aw I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Unfortunately its something alot of women who m/c deal with. I was also 8 weeks along when I lost my little one. And although its been a little over a year, it still hurts. I heard every excuse in the book, including the ones you listed. And even today, when I am having a bad day, and want to talk to someone, no one is there for me. I have been told so many times that they are there for me anytime I need to talk. But when the time comes that I need a friend to just listen, all I hear is\" its been a year, you need to move on.\" Or \"you are looking at it wrong, God had a plan.\" Or my altime favorite \"you are wallowing in self pity, you need to suck it up and move on with your life.\" Yes...a good friend actually said that last one...someone who has actually lost 3 babies to m/c. I don\'t understand why we have to go through this, and completely alone to make it worse. Lean on the ladies here on DS....we are always ready and happy to listen. *hugs*
You are so right! People never seem to know the right thing to say...oddly enough sometimes even women who have lost babies seem to be too selfish to be sensitive. A good friend of mine at church was due the same week that I was with our angel baby. I saw her a week after we lost our baby (and she knew we lost him). I greeted her with \"How are you?\" and hugged her and went on and on about how sick she was of being pregnant!!! How hard it was on her body and how much her back hurt. I stood there with tears in my eyes wondering if I should retrain myself or claw her eyes out like I wanted... She had lost 3 babies herself, and she had ZERO empathy or COMPASSION or concern for me...for my broken heart. She NEVER asked me how I was holding up or said a kind word. I don\'t even speak to her any more if I can avoid it.
I agree so much with you...what we seek is compassion and just a feeling that people care.
Personally, outside of my husband and children, I could not get it in my \"real world,\" but I did find it here!! The wonderful ladies here on DS saved my life and helped me feel like I could breathe again.
You are in my prayers!!
Im going through the same thing! I lost mine last Thursday after finding out on mothers day that I was pregnant. I was 5 wks. I spoke with my mom and she said: \" you were barely pregnant, just be happy you\'re ok and nothing bad happened to you health wise\".... Ummm HELLO! I just lost the one thing I\'ve been trying for a yr and a half!!!! My boyfriends response: \"Well at least you weren\'t 6 months pregnant and had a loss, you were only 5 wks, being 6 months pregnant would have been worse\". Or when I reached out to a friend who had 3 miscarriages: \"I had three and one of them I was 5 months along... Just be glad you can at least get pregnant now\"
No one understands what it\'s like to be in my shoes except me. Yes, it could have been worse but this is bad enough to have to go through. I\'m not trying to compare stories of who had it worse or even trying to hear that miscarriages are common! It puts a knife through my heart when I see women get pregnant left and right. Women who do drugs, drink, smoke. And here I am struggling, finally getting pregnant and then losing it.
No one knows what kind of pain we have to go through. Some get over it quicker than others. I\'m not over it. And I would love it if for once someone sympathized a little more rather than acting like a 5 wk pregnancy loss is no big deal. It is.
Thank You everyone for your comments!!! AF dropped by today, she will probably be here about 7 days...YUCK! My post may have been a little harsh, so sorry, but because I JUST found this site recently, I have not really been able to vent all the crazy feelings I have had since my losses in July. It is probably a good thing I JUST found this site now; If I would have found it right when I miscarried, my posts would probably have been even more dramatic. Good Luck to everyone!!! And I know that you ALL have your struggles, some worse than others, compared to most I feel like mine is really not that bad. So I pray and hope for all of you that all your hopes and dreams of being mothers come true VERY SOON!